How I spent my four days away from the blogosphere

I didn't mean for it to happen. I suppose one never does. It just snuck up on me and before I knew it there was nothing to do but surrender to it. It was exhaustion, the exhaustion that comes from studying for the California State Boards for the Marriage and Family Therapist licence. For the last three months when I wasn't blogging or working on the book I was studying for the boards. He-weasel and I have communicated only through flash cards for the last couple of months, "According to Gestalt therapist what is the most important therapeutic goal?" was how we said good morning. "If you have a client who is threatening suicide?" was our code for pass the salt. And the last thing we said before we feel asleep was him asking me to differentiate Structural and Strategic family therapy. Even Lily got involved in my test prep, or rather she protested how my constant studying affected her play time and she has eaten a few flash cards and a pre-test or two.

Last week was my final week of study and as I am prone to pretty severe test anxiety I compensated by over-studying, over-preparing and going through the 800 flash cards close to what felt like 800 times. When Wednesday came around and it was time for me to blog again I just couldn't do it. I was exhausted, the kind of exhausted in which when I was asked a possible test question my initial answer was "I don't f*ck*ng care". Friday I was even more exhausted and growing ever more nervous. Monday blogging was out of the question. Monday at 8:30 a.m. I had to be at the test center to take part one of the board exam. In four hours I had to answer 200 questions and I had to get at least 153 of them right to pass or I would have to take the test again( and I wouldn't be eligible to take it for three more months).

The pass rate of the test is not great. Only 69% of MFT candidates who take the exam pass it the first time round. When I went into sit for the test I was very confident but as I saw the test questions my confidence dropped to well below 69%. Halfway in I was SURE I had failed. I told myself that even if I didn't pass it would be okay and I would be okay and I could take it again. I prepared myself for sharing the bad news with my friends and family. I anticipated their warm condolences and assurances that I was brilliant and the test was stupid. I told myself to keep breathing and just keep answering the questions and soon it would be all over and I could go home and grieve my failure.

The 2 1/2 hours it took me to take the test were the longest I have ever known. Eventually I had answered all 200 questions and it was time to submit my test for scoring. I had to enter "E" three times and then type in "yes" to confirm that I was done with the test. As soon as I typed the "s" in "yes" I began to shake. Soon, I was sure, I would see the words "fail" on the screen. Instead of "fail" I saw a 15 question survey about the test center that I had to answer before the computer would score my test. To be honest at that moment I wasn't interested in giving constructive criticism about the test site, its cleanliness, or the directions I was given to the test center. I saw that #5 was an option on all the survey questions and I continued to enter number five until the survey was done and then I waited. I waited all of thirty seconds but it felt like 2 1/2 hours. Then I saw the words "PASS" on the screen. The computer told me to quietly leave the test center and to see the proctor. I still did not believe I passed. I asked the proctor if I had. She congratulated me. I had really passed. She gave me a document that told me I did. I have proof. Passing this test make me eligible to take the next test. One more test, if I pass it, and I will be a Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California.

When I got home on Monday I was more exhausted than I had been when I had Mononucleosis. Yes, I let He-weasel take me out to dinner and fete me with champagne but after that I surrendered to my fatigue and I slept and I compensated and I slept some more. My rest is over and I am back to blogging and back to studying. "How would a object relations therapist treat depression in the mid-stage of therapy?" Oooh, I know that one. I think.

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Thanks to all of you who wrote to see if I was okay. Your thoughtfulness and kind concern means more to me than I can say. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!