Madame et Monsieurs, let me introduce you to a marvelous coping mechanism that you may not be familiar with it is called "rationalization." This, unlike other defense mechanisms, such as repression, denial, projection, and displacement, is an ad-hoc defense---meaning it is used after the awareness of the unhappiness has occurred as a way to minimise suffering.
Here is my list of rationalizations with a smidgen of intellectualizing thrown in for good measure. (In case this is your first time on my blog and you are reading this list and thinking I am a monster--be assured I really want to be pregnant. But, since there is no way in hell this will ever happen, I thought it might be fun to re-frame my misery. In that spirit, here are the 10 great things about not being pregnant.
1. Alcohol
If you are pregnant you can't drink and I can. So, ha! ha! ha! Champagne, anyone? Eggnog and brandy? Perhaps, a double Jack Daniel's and Ginger ale. Yes, one of each, please.
2. Ambien
Insomnia no more. One little blue pill and I am sleeping like a happy fluttering blue butterfly. A lippy Lincoln and the world weary Beaver with extraordinary verbal skills no longer torment me about my lack of sleep and how they could help me get my recommended REM with Rosarin. Sweet dreams, little weasel.
3. Fabulous skin!!
I will soon partake in all the modern skin marvels that I have abstained from in the name of child bearing. Botox, Restylane, Renova, Retinol, and Affirm laser. A lovely doctor will erase all the stress wrinkles I have accrued in the last four years of massive stress. I may not have a baby, but, I will have skin as soft and smooth as a baby's adorably cute little bottom.
4. Free to eat snails and cheese
When I go to Paris in July I will not be fat, bloated and waddling. I will be skinny, sexy and sauntering. I will able to drink all the champagne and coffee I want. I will eat slugs, and snails and puppy dog tales-- no, no, that's what little boys are made of and I will not be having a little boy. So, I will just have to suffice in eating snails and unpasteurised cheeses and, maybe, some sugar and spice and everything nice.
5. Caffeine
I started out slow as I have been caffeine free for the better part of five years. I am only up to three huge beakers of Peet's fully caffeinated French Roast a day. In time, I will work my way up to an anxiety producing ten cups.
6. Pregnancy-weight; Pregnancy-what?
I will never develop stretch marks, saggy breasts, hemorrhoids or any other miserable side effects of pregnancy. When people lament about their pre-pregnancy body I will laugh and be generally unsympathetic.
7. Certainty
I no longer have to make tentative plans because I could be pregnant. I am free to make whatever plans I want and be assured that pregnancy will not hinder my plans in any way. I will go to Paris in July. There will be no doctor that will warn me it is not a good time to travel.
8. No more probes
No doctor will be doing any ultrasounds or blood work on me for the next nine months. I have had more vaginal ultrasounds than any human should ever have to endure. I really feel like I should get a pass on pap smears for the next 40 years---sadly, that is not the way it works.
9. Worry free
If I had ever gotten pregnant, I would have been riddled with anxieties. I would have been tormented by worries about the dangers of pregnancy when over 35. However, I will never again have stress about my advanced maternal age. There will be no sleepless nights for me about whether to undergo horrifying tests that will tell me whether my unborn child has horrible birth defects. I will never have to undergo an amniocentesis.
Other things I will never have to worry about: ob/gyns, Doulas, midwifes, twins, triplets, or multiples of any variety, what books to read on pregnancy, nutrition during pregnancy, to eat peanuts or not to eat peanuts, natural delivery, c-section, epidurals, birthing centers, attachment parenting, breast feeding, co-sleeping, how much the insurance will cover, any or not to nanny, developmental milestones, leaking breasts, baby proofing the house, led in toys, getting into a good pre-school, etc. etc. etc......
10. Conspicuous car-sumption
I am free to buy a sports car---no need for a gas guzzling, environment destroying mini-van with TV's and DVD players. I can find my own narcissistic and individualistic ways of destroying the environment. I don't want a sports car---but if I wanted one---I could have one. I could get a teeny-tiny, microscopic car, be it a Smart Car or a Mini-Cooper or even a Vespa. As, I will never-ever-ever need room for a car seat, a stroller, or any other child transport equipment. And whatever car I get, it will never be littered with toys and half eaten snacks and sticky-wicky-icky little fingy prints all over my Corinthian leather.
This rationalising thing ain't working so well.
Painting featured by Kazuya Akimoto, "Crying Woman" (2007).
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30 comments:
A good coping mechanism, and all very true!
(made me smile self-indugently... is that bad!?)
Elisabeth: Most assuredly, I have not judgment whatsoever. I am always happy to have a friend share in my self-indulgence. ;-)
Those are all very true!! And let me add some more. No harrowing feelings like you've hurt your husband with having cravings of eating at The Four Seasons Restaurant, and when you finally get what you've been dying to have and both you and baby (yeah right) are happy, you throw up a mere hour later (been there...).
And you get to wear all the fanciest swimwear without care. Yes, I'm a jealous mom and will be jealous of you ;)
But you really do know how I feel, don't you? Uwaaaahhhh!!
Lynn:
Thank you for adding to my list. No nausea. No cravings. No more hormonal mood swings. Waaaaaaaaaaah! Lynn, I was so looking forward to morning sickness :-( Crazy, huh?
And, yes, I most certainly know how you really feel. :-)
Couldn't eating some sugar and spice and everything nice be construed as cannibalism? And that really isn't enough coffee. The bare minimum for health is one pot a day. Up your intake!
As for the theme of rationalization, it truly does work wonders. I do it all the time! ;-)
Randal:
Not sure what you were thinking of--but I was referring to some taste treats from Laduree.
And, serous coffee drinking is not for amateurs, either. I need to titrate up or I might get a burst of motivation to do things like mop the floor, organize closets or other such worthless activities. Mature coffee drinkers understand that caffeinated energy is best used for inner activity. ;-)
Maybe, with more coffee I can convince myself that these list of sublimations are adequte. :-)
Good morning my sweet little coffee amature! Three cups, whatever. Let me know when you can't go to bed without a cup of coffee to make you sleepy - then I shall call you a coffee addict!
If you need another rationalization may I suggest my "poop on the pacifier (in the mouth)" story?
Kristen,
I don't even know the story and I am totally grossed out.
Add as far as the coffee, I think you have hit a new level of coffee addiction when it turns into a soporific. I am looking forward to that. ;-)
LBR-It's a great list, but as it started getting towards the end, I thought it might be getting more painful for you....:( Maybe you should have ENDED the list with the alcohol/Ambien, etc, bec. ;)
It sounds like you need a gift of some Cassoulet Cafe Coffee, girl! Waaaaaay better than Peets!
Love,
CC
OOps, published before I could finish the "Bec...." I was going to type, "Because..." Oh my, I forgot what my point was going to be. *sigh* I think I might need a drink too.
:)
CC:
Please get to roasting. I feel sure the CC blend has medicinal qualities that could cure all manner of ailments. ;-)
Did you steal my list on the benefits of non-child-bearing?!?
This is a great list. I had made one similar some years back. You know, it was sort of like the movie "High Fidelity" when the Cusack character would make top 5 lists. In my head everyday, I would list stuff (I love lists). These soon turned into top 5 reasons to go to work or top 10 things to do before I die. It became fun.
Or you could resort to the SNL character "jack handy" mantra. "Because you are good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like you."
WendyB: Yes, I did. And soon, I may be able to take worrying about wrinkles off of my list. ;-)
Colleen: Thank you! Like you and the Cusack, I am total list lover. I always have lots of lists going. I have been loving your Move to Paris lists.
And the spiritual and mental health guru of which you speak is in fact the self loving "Stuart Smalley." ;-)
Damn...wrong dude.
Yes, there will me more moving to france lists!!!!
Here's one more - Spontaneity!
Having children means routine. And for everyone's sake that is a good thing. But I know many parents who would love to say, "Stuff it! Let's go away for the weekend/go out to dinner/stay in bed all day!"
You and Monsieur Weasel will be able to do what you what, when you want, if you want to :-)
I am not the slightest bit disappointed that you WILL be able to indulge in champagne and coffee with me in Paris next summer! Is that selfish? And jack and ginger? I knew I liked you!! :)
P.S. much love to all my fellow coffee drinkers! I can't remember what I thought of Peets's Coffee but I love Tony's Coffee French Royale. Mmmmm..... :)
it is easy to belive what you wrote --that is one thing....the feeling that you are underneath it all trying to convince yourself is another.....it was very entertaining but at the same time so right on! THe paradox... the pain is behind your confident voice...You have , the perfect healing voice because you understand the pain and reflect it through irony and humour.... (that word is French non?) So, it is meant to be... you and HUMOUR... that is..your writing can be used to express emotion, the emotions are deep inside, you bring them out in a non painful way for the reader... however, the reader understands you and can cope with the pain, but without dispair this time...because you offer some kind of understanding that transcends the everyday individuals capacity to process emotion... you are amazing.... you are talented and you better get ready to be very busy!
I think the worst thing about being a parent would be the relentlessness. That's what my sis says anyway. Once they're born, you NEVER EVER get a break from them. You can NEVER EVER be free of responsibility. It's not just the worries during pregnancy - its worrying FOREVER.
As my Dad (devoted father of 5) says, "from a risk analysis perspective, having children is not a rational decision".
Blood hormones, bloody genetic programming.
Behind your humor I know there is sadness and pain. (The mothering force is great and powerful.
I don't have anything flippant to add. Just wanted to let you know that I am reading and listening and ((I'm sorry.))
Sez: I am hoping we become that spontaneous couple. Think we might do Christmas eve at a hotel room in the city---no celebrating mind you, just lots of room service and too many cocktails.
B: Looking forward to drinking many things in Paris with you! Wine, Champagne, cafe' creme, and, maybe, even some Absinthe!
You like Jack and Ginger, toot?
HW: You, as always, are too kind to me. I so appreciate your very generous bon mots. I think it is you, HW, that should prepare to be busy ;-)
Gervy: Yes, bloody biological programming that overrides all logic and reason. Thank you, Gervy, for adding to my list of reasons. I am free of relentlessness--only their is the relentlessness of my desire to have one of the crying, screaming, and demanding creatures. Ah, the agony of paradox ;-)
Polly: Merci, for reading and posting. I am, as always, happy you are here :-) The pain isn't masked very well--it's right there on the surface, huh? I am not cut out for bluffing. Thanks for your lovely and supportive post.
Merci,
LBR
Well, here were some of my rationalizations, many of them from the stories of friends:
1) NO feet swelling, no foot growth in length or width, no need to trash a shoe collection loving collected over years!
2) No one will tell you dreadful labour stories!
3) No one at work will ever make a "WIDE LOAD" sign for your back!
4) Bathroom breaks will not be names as a "(insert name here) break"!
5) No co-workers will ever gather to watch your ankles swell to the size of your thighs!
6) COFFEE! The elixir of life need not be given up, or drunk cold because baby needs you now!
7) Your hair will not fall out after the baby is born!
8)No need to plan trips based on convenient public washrooms in the last few months of pregnancy!
I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug, drink a bucket of coffee together and compare our red shoe collections. You have my email so contact me if you want.
Hugs,
Christine
Dear Christine,
Thank you so much for your very exhaustive list. I think with all of the suggestions I am up to nearly 20 reasons that is "great that I am not pregnant." Yet, my hormones and my heart seem indifferent to the overwhelming evidence.
However, there is another part of me that responds to objective facts; this part of me finds your post to be very compelling and persuasive. Ugh, falling out hair, excessive peeing, and expanding ankles!
Thanks, Christine! It is a lovely idea you suggest. I will be the one in the red shoes,red eyes and the largest cup of coffee you have ever seen who breaks into tears when a woman with a child walk into the coffee house.
I appreciate your generous post and your lovely offer of support.
Very truly,
LBR
This is my favorite of your posts so far ... like bittersweet chocolate.
I can relate ... as I'm in your age bracket and am also still childless ... while my two sisters both have two beautiful children each. So compared to them, I'm the 30-something freak that flew off to France for more self-indulgence, when it really is time to start a family.
Angelique,
I love your tasty and satisfying metaphor--pleasure and pain can coexist. Thank you for your very kind comments.
There are some who assume that those who don't have children are selfish. I think one could make a compelling case that having children is selfish.
I, for one, admire you for following your own path and the calling of your heart. How lucky your nieces and nephews are to have you as a role model. I know I would have loved to have an Aunt who lived a glamorous life in Paris.
I'm with Angelique. Let's hear it for us women in our 30's without children! We can be a role-model for the other generations!
why don't you adopt?
We had a failed adoption this year. And, for now, we just don't have the energy,endurance, or resources required.
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