How to be a writer and sleep like a French woman

I was planning on writing a post on how to become a writer. The motive of my post was karma. I think I read somewhere in a self help reading spree that if you want money make somebody else rich, if you want love fix up your friends and your deposits into the universal bank of karma will respond accordingly and give you what you gave. So, since what I want is to be a writer I am going to tell you everything I know about getting yourself to write. As a writer with a three year block I feel I have some insight on how to turn the block around. With these five easy steps you too can be writing in no time.

1. Buy and read Julia Cameron's “The Artist Way”. You don’t have to do a single exercise in Julia’s book if you don't want to. But, you must do the Morning Pages and keep doing them until you are writing. And do not try to “write” or be writerly when you do your morning pages. Just keep doing them and see what happens. They work if you do them. Just three pages of free writing the first thing when you wake up and before you know it the muses will actually show up when you do your real writing. I don't understand how it works---I just know that it does---kind of like my car and electricity.

2. Read Anne Lamotte and listen to her advice about sh*tty first drafts. Having the expectation of writing something brilliant the first time around was enough to stop me from writing for several years. Give yourself permission to write the worst piece of....fiction, non-fiction, or whatever it is you want to write. This book should be in the collection of every would be writer right next to your dictionary, thesaurus, and the Dummies Guide to Getting Your Book Published.

3. Do not under any circumstances enroll in a MFA unless you don’t want to write and you were not criticized, shamed, or humiliated enough in your childhood and you are craving some kind of trauma to write about. If it is trauma and humiliation in the form of creativity crushing critique that you seek then you should begin your application process to University of Iowa or Irvine or some other school that promises fame and glory should you be able to write upon graduation.

4. Blog. Okay, maybe you already do that. But, I have to tell you that I have developed a kind of writing discipline that I never had before I began my blog. And, I have worked at a newspaper and I have gotten paid to write and even with a paycheck at stake I did not develop the kind of discipline that a daily blog has given me.

5. Take a writing class with Jamie Cat Callan. Le sigh! Thanks to Ms. Callan I did not do number three, instead I took writing classes with Jamie at UCLA. Her classes were filled with encouragement, enthusiasm, and exercises that actually got me to write. In no other class, and I have taken lots and lots of writing classes, have I ever actually written anything in the class. Of all the writing professors I have taken classes with Jamie Cat Callan is the only writing teacher whose name has stayed on the tip of my tongue just ready to be added to my acknowledgements page when I finally get the big book deal.

Well, there was a teacher who was equally as memorable in her darkness, insanity, and bipolar presentation as Callan was in her powerful positive influence. Let's call this woman "Crazy Bitch" or CB for short. CB was a very scary woman took me under her wing on the first day of class. She offered to help me with me writing as she claimed to love it. The next day she turned on me in such a shocking manner that I was not altogether sure that she was not faculty at UCLA but rather a patient from UCLA Neuropsychiatric unit--either that or she was teaching a unit on Jeckyl and Hyde. Even more alarming was many years later I saw an author with her first best seller on the Oprah show who thanked CB for being the wind beneath her wings. The layers of shock I felt at that moments are still rippling with in me. What I was most surprised about was that CB was able to maintain her mentorship with this woman for more than a day, she must have gone on some serious medication.

Let me warn you that many writing teachers teach writing because they are not writing or publishing and they are bitter and angry and if they get the slightest whiff of talent they want to squash it. Not all teachers are like this---but I have met those who are and it took some time to recover from the vitriol and venom in their critique.

As I began to write this post I went to Jamie’s web page to see if she was still teaching and whether she had any upcoming classes across the country---because if you are going to take a class you should take it with one of the best and not a CB. When I got to her web page I saw a photo of Jamie looking as chic and lovely as ever but there was more--- I also found she has written a book about women, romance and France. I know!! Can you believe it? Her book is called “French Women Don’t Sleep Alone” and it comes out in March 2009. I cannot wait to read it! I am hoping she might let me have an advanced copy so I can review it for you---not that I will able to be terribly objective. In hindsight I am not at all surprised that Jame is a francophile as she was always the height of chic---even early Saturday mornings in a UCLA classroom she was turned out in such a fashion that she would be equally at home at the Sorbonne.

Okay, back to your writing, Jamie does have writing classes and workshops coming up. If you are interested in taking one of her courses you can see her calendar here. I might go to her upcoming class at UCLA in November. If you are interested you can see a sample of her writing here.

For full disclosure: I have not seen or spoken to Jamie in over 15 years. She has absolutely no idea I am writing this and I get nothing out of this other than the good karma involved in helping another would be writer find the tools that have helped me. Truth be told, I don’t think she will even remember me. But, I will never forget her nor the influence she has had on my writing. Merci, Jamie!

Should you take my advice and then write a book and you get a book deal and then go on Oprah would you be sure to mention me and maybe get me a ticket to her favorite things show? If you, in all the excitement, forget---don't worry I will just bask in the knowledge that I will undoubtedly receive some good writing karma.