I am in the 7th grade with skin that tells the genetic story of potato famines and misty fogs, with no memory of either. I live in a beach city with harsh sun, where the girls all look like the Malibu Barbie I play with after school and the boys look like the Beach Boys music I hear on the radio---all waves and “wipe outs.” I am the only girl with freckled skin that won’t tan in my class of 25.
Mondays are bad, because everyone has spent their weekend at the beach darkening our differences. Their faces are golden and shining, like the sun that burns me. I look at them and dream of what it must be like to be them. I imagine what it must be like to be transformed by the sun and never know pain. They, too, see the difference. They see that the weekend has not changed me---another weekend spent in my room reading.
“Do you lay out at night? Is that why you have a moon tan? You glow in the dark,” says Chris. They laugh as if he has never said it before. Art will say, “Do you have sunglasses? She’s burning my eyes with the glare. Her legs are so white, they’re burning my retinas. It’s like a solar eclipse!” They roar in delight. Tammy will ask me if my parents never let me leave the house. She will ask if they keep me in a closet. They laugh, stabbing shots of teeth filled laughter that flushes my cheeks into a familiar crimson. They are unmoved by the color they have created. Krista will call me Casper-the- Friendly-Ghost, and that will get them all going. They will start booing and making ghostly noises, singing the Casper theme song and asking me if I am haunting any houses.
By Tuesday, they have turned to others, “the fat girl.” On Wednesday they torment “the poor boy.” Thursday, both the “sickly boy” and “the nerd” gets it. Friday it is my turn again. On Fridays we are required to wear skirts. We go to chapel on Fridays, and yet my thoughts are never of God. I feel His absence through my paleness and my inability to transform. I am only aware of my lightness and God is not light; God is tan and brown---He looks something like Malibu Ken and I was not made in the image and likeness of God.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Pale memory of a dark god
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75 comments:
Yeah, now flash forward to today and see how many of them look like tanned leather hides while you are a glowing goddess. I got the exact same treatment as a child, especially when I lived in Cali. Now all my friends are jealous! Pale is beautiful!
Some beyotches pointed and laughed at my paleness in Miami just last year! I didn't really think women with Playboy bunny tattoos wearing lucite heels on the sand really had anything to point about though.
I was a year younger than my classmates and late to hit adolescence so I know about teasing as well. You've captured its effects so well -- one of the best pieces of writing I've seen here (and your writing is always engaging), a very tight, easy-to-visualize vignette.
Does it help that for me, speaking as a dude, pale is far sexier than tan?
Malibu Barbie is probably now Melanoma Barbie.
If it is any consolation I am so dark my colleague acused me of looking "dirty" after my recent holiday.
For years I have tolerated snide remarks about sunbeds and fake tan. Worst of all as a child I recieved a barrow load of racist abuse.
It has always seemed to me that extremes seem to unsettle people, like children with red hair. What makes us special, makes others jealous.
As for your peers, I bet not even the finest moisturiser that Chanel makes will repair their damaged skin.
shar beat me to it, but you'll have the last laugh when they have faces like old baseball mitts.
And I agree with mater - you are able to write about even the painful stuff crisply and sharply without descending into the maudlin basement.
Shar: I do take comfort in knowing what that constant sun exposure leads to. And, I have even learned to love my paleness. That is one of the reasons I love Dita Von Teese. Pale goddesses are so good as they make young girls less likely to roast them selves with baby oil and Hawaiian Tropic.
Wendy: People who live in plastic and platinum blond houses best not throw toxic emotional substances at beautiful jewelry designers with fantastic skin.
I think God made you exactly perfect and that you are 'fearfully and wonderfully made'! There's no one like you in the whole world so you can't compare yourself to anyone! And the fact that you don't have leathery wrinkled sun-exposed skin like so many sun worshippers do when they get older will mean you will always look years younger than your peers. I used to lay out and tan in my teens and early 20's...I am pale too, but I am glad I stopped tanning years ago. I have friends my age and older who are so wrinkly and leathery it just doesn't look lovely!
hugs,
Kelly
Materfamilias: I know we have all been teased and tormented for one thing or the other. At the time it feels like it is only you and everyone else escaped. Children are cruel. So sorry you experienced that cruelty.
Thank you so much, Mater. Your opinion means a lot to me.xo
Randal: um, yeah. That is really great to hear. I wish Madison avenue would listen to you. I guess they wouldn't make any money if we quit striving to be something different than we are.
Hee-hee!!! Melanoma Barbie. You cracks me up!!!:-)
Indigo: I think you make a fantastic point about people fearing extremes. It does seem that humans feel more comfortable with being with their own kind--out of an impulse of self-preservation and also it seems to me that it prevents our awareness of "otherness." The more we are aware of other the more likely we are to realize we are really alone. It is human nature to defend against that feeling---and hence I was mocked for being fair and you were mocked for being dark. The message is "you are not one of us and being us is good." When you look at the motivation of the tormenting it is really rather pathetic.
It took me a while to come to full acceptance of my lack of melanin. I had a few really bad burns hoping I would someday turn tan. It never happened. I worry that those burns will someday come back to haunt me.
Deja: I am starting to see some off the impact of all that sun on some of my contemporaries and it is not pretty. Thanks be to God for Anthelios.
I thank you both for your compliments on this piece. It is always a little scary to post something that is not like my usual post. I am not sure why that is as you all are always so nice and accepting of whatever I post. Thanks, Deja!xo
Kelly: Thank you for your kind comment of support.
Like you, I am so happy I did not keep trying to tan. I tried it all. I did sunlamps, tanning beds and dozens of different lotions and potions. I even did QT tanning lotion and pills that were supposed to turn me tan. It never happened. I am now glad that it didn't. The lizard handbag skin of sun worshipers and smokers is enough to get me on my knees and thank God that I didn't have the ability to tan or the desire to smoke.
I still admire the exotic look of a dark tan, just not on me. I am happy being in my own skin. :-)
I didn't experience that situation. I usead to tan in Summer, but in Fall/Winter off course we can't go to the beach, so all of us were "in the same boat". We didn't boder with tanning, but I felt the "fat girl" problem. And kids are so cruel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Maybe some of my former eating disorders could be related to that).
But as randal said "Malibu Barbie is probably now Melanoma Barbie".
So.... forget it, beautie, your "pears" now must be wrinkly and doing some procedures. :p
Ma belle, loved your writting!!!!!
So well done, like I said it's every story is a mini litlle book.
xoxo
(Hope you're feeling in better mood today ;) Have fun)
Oh how I relate! Norwegians were never meant to grow up in Miami. Unfortunately, I grew up before there was a market for sunscreen. Baby oil all the way! I was out of college before I finally admitted to myself that I would never have a tan -- snow white or tomato red are my only options. Unfortunately my transparent skin reveals all the damage from those early years: brown spots everywhere. :(
Beautiful writing LBR.
Karen
pale is interesting!
someone in turkey once commented that i looked like id been dipped in beach! see looked like she was made of leather.
we'll always have better skin so...
Seeker: I am so very sorry you had to endure those criticisms. Grrr!! It makes me so mad. Is it naive to hope that someday the schools will have programs that will teach people to respect differences? Or, is it just in our human nature and is it something that we all have to endure???
Thanks so much. I really cannot thank you enough for the lovely award and for your very kind compliments. Today is a better day and the cloud seems to be lifting a bit.
Hope you are feeling better too. Have a lovely weekend.xo
Your post was so sad and yet so reflective. Thank you for sharing this with us. (I personally think pale is so much classier than tan) :)
Karen: We should have lived in climates that were kinder to our skin and where we were less tempted to try to tan. I am starting the photofacials next week to try to rid myself of the brown spots that I got instead of the tan.
Thanks! So glad you liked it!!
xo
Jr. High was, and always will be, the most evil time in our educational lives.
I hated every minute of it and was tortured regularly. As I said in my blog previously - the only high point was making the most popular girl in school throw up.
Prettyface: Yep, I got the bleach comment too!
It is true we will have less wrinkles and that is a great thing. But, I do sometimes wish I didn't have to be so vigilant about blush. I do not do bronzer. But countless sales associates have suggested it.
I think that the reason us pale girls look "interesting" is that when others were out in the sun we were inside reading. Okay, maybe that is not true. I am forever hearing about books to read at the beach. ;-)
Paula: Le sigh! I did too many sad posts this week. Next week I promise to be a sad free zone. Well, I will at least try.
Thanks for your comment and for seeing that pale can be pretty.:-)
Kristen: It was not a great time for me either. However, for me, high school made middle school seem like a trip to Disneyland.
Every now and then I will turn to He-weasel and say" I am so glad I am an adult." It's true. My childhood was not a time to write home about. And, yet I can't seem to quit writing about it. ;-)
Writing about it helps exorcise the demons.
like: "...everyone has spent their weekend at the beach darkening our differences"
in asia where i grew up, pale and whiteness equals diety, and superiority, class. we are a culture that was taught equivocally albeit subliminally, that the color of our colonizers were better; we are still stuck in the white men's hold [the spaniards, the americans] so you have filipinas covering up to preserve their 'white' brown skins [and thus suggesting tacitly of their superior sense of hybrid: 'hapa', part-spanish, part-that, eschewing the implied shame and reality of being 100% brown filipino]
this wacky mentality was turned on its head upon moving to hawaii. which drove home the absurdity of it all. i wear my brown proudly, even the occasional farmer's tan. i still get comments from family seeing me after long winters on the mainland- of having turned 'white' with the above subtexts [which inevitably drives me to visit the north shore or waikiki to disprove their hyphothesis-- but that very reaction also plays onto that whole conceit...]
but that age where your story is set is so difficult...
look it: you'd be the Goddess in Manila in all your immutable, iridescent whiteness ;-) !
Niiiiiiiccccceeee...
Not the memory, but the writing.
I hope this one makes it into the 3-ring-binder-pre-publication-book.
I too love Randal's "Melanoma Barbie"!
I also believe that your piece makes a case for continuing to revisit, reframe, and stop trivializing "bullying" in school, as is evidenced by the comments that your post generated.
I would stop by more often and blahg in my own right but I'm busy having the mother of all anxiety attacks. I'll let you know how it all works out! Until then, kudos on the keyboard kreations!
Kristen: I fear that until I can really laugh about something that I have not gotten to the end of it. I still have a little moment every time I put on a skirt( and I wear them quite regularly). And, where we are living in SoCal there are lots and lots of blond gals who visit tanning booths. I am in the midst of a little PTSD. I am constantly expecting one of them to turn, point and laugh at my legs. I am only slightly exaggerating.
SUR: Thanks for liking my little line. I love it when people like my children.;-)
Grass is always greener. If you are pale you want to be tan. If you are dark you want to be light--or so says the advertisers who make the products that will turn us into whatever we are not.
I never imagined that I would get to the point where I would like my colouring. It took me until my late 20's to finally arrive and even after that I bought some self-tanners.
I love that when your Asian family raves about your fairness that your impulse is to hop on the plane and go get a tan.
My He-weasel is Greek, as you know, and this summer he has been outdoors a lot and it is been amazing to witness how the sun changes his skin. I am still in awe. He actually looks really cute when Helios leaves his mark. He does have a bit of a golfers tan( the upscale version of a farmer's tan.;-)
I fear that my freckles would take me out of goddess contention. My arms are a constant reminder that I am Irish.
LFA: Ugh, I am sorry to hear about the invasion of anxiety. I cannot help myself from trying to help with that. Breathing helps, writing helps, and lunches with sympathetic blogging friends. You have such a friend who is just an email and a freeway away.
It is in the notebook. The notebook is getting big and it wants to be a manuscript. Actually, it wants to be a book and to be sold at a store near you.;-)
Bullying seems to be getting worse and worse. I had my own personal tormentor whose name will never leave my consciousness. I take a certain satisfaction in I feel sure I know what kind of life she has today. I also feel pretty sure that she had a horrible home life and suffered a lot. That second part makes me feel sorry for her.
Another piece of beautiful writing, La Belette. Miss J is another PaleFace. A trip to the beach always meant a sunburn. meanwhile Mama Janey was a beautiful, bronzed goddess: petite, slender frame, dark skin, eyes and hair, sharp cheekbones. Miss J always bemoaned the fact she didn't get Mama Janey's coloring. At least Miss J got some of her cheekbones!
Miss Janey: Merci, mon amie!!
Cheek bones? What are those?;-) My great grandmother was 100% Osage Indian. She had fierce cheekbones, long straight hair without a single strand of gray( even in her 70's), and a lovely tan. I did not take after this side of the family.
Been there, done that, got the pigmentation spots on my cheeks to prove it.
xx
Beautifully written post that so effectively and evocatively captures the painful yearning of the child who does not fit the common mold. Luckily with age comes some wisdom. I am sure you will be beautiful long after the blond goddesses have turned into old shoe leather.
As another pale brunette who tried desperately to look like the blond bronzed majority in my Texas town, your post was spot-on. Now I am proud of pale legs, although even in New York, people often remind me that there is a product called "self tanner". Sometimes I pity them their mindless pursuit of false gods.
Love this writing. I believe you and I run the risk of becoming a mutual admiration club. No matter. It doesn't change the fact that I love your writing, especially these snippets of your past.
And I'd bet your unwrinkled beautiful skin is far more supple than the sun damaged visages of your former tormentors.
Ah you Maureen O'Hara you. Just remember they're all wizen and wrinkled and in rehab!
Dita. Nicole Kidman. January Jones. Dorian Leigh. Grace Kelly. Angelina. Come to think of it who WERE the tanned beauties?
Bof!
as usual, powerful!
But thank God! He sees our heart & not our appearances... not suntanlines...His Kingdom is so different from ours here on earth...so is the wisdoms... I choose to seek His wisdom instead of my own... and I'm feeling good by renewing my mind daily by His constant love... beauty is temporay but LOVE is eternal...
Hammie: I'll let you know how the IPL goes. I am hoping that soon my hyperpigementation/melasma will be gone and there will be no pain in the actual process.
Mardel:Thank you so much for your incredibly kind comment. I do know a little about not fitting the mold. I just came back from the mall and it seemed I was the only non-mother, non-blond and non-breast implanted shopper( My exaggeration is so very slight).
I wish I had known at the time that my tormentors would one day look like beef jerky. It would have made their comments seem absurd.
I love to hear of another pale face who eschews suggestions of self-tanners. We do not worship at the altar of golden calfs /calves. :-)Hee-hee!
dcup: So kind of you to love my writing. I love yours too! I am a proud member of the mutual admiration society and I happily enjoy all the rights and privileges thereof.
Your blog with all of its honesty and openness has in part been responsible for giving me the courage to post pieces I would have not dared to before.
Every time I post a piece that is very personal I feel a terror of total self-indulgence. I think "who the hell cares about your grandmother or your pale legs" and then I ignore that voice and I press publish.
I hope you are right and even now they are googling,"what do I do with my sad and wrinkled face that looks like I am 60 when I am only 40" and that google leads them here and then they remember how they tormented me and then they feel bad and apologize and realize that I have the last laugh.
Make do: Thank you, that is a lovely thought.;-)
Duchesse: You make a compelling argument. I wish I could have done the same thing when I was 12.;-)
Come to think of it, it is a rare starlet or model who is bronzed. I do remember the Ban de Soleil gal had quite the fierce tan. Other than that I am drawing a blank.
Lenore: Thanks so much for your comment and your very kind words.
As I read your post I thought about the cliche " the more things change, the more they remaing the same." It's always gone on an sadly always will. I am always puzzled why, ( though not really ) why this sort of thing happens more often in a Christian school.
We all want so desperately to fit in, and especially at that age. There are some wise old soul children that seem to be ok with themselves no matter what; I guess just born lucky that way.
When I was in fifth grade, I purposely acted like I was having difficulty in reading group, stumbling over the words like I couldn't read them. All because I did not like to be different ( intelligent ). It was not cool. and all my friends were in the redbird reading group, not the bluebird group, and I wanted to be with them.
It took me until not too recently to come to peace with who I am. Just last night I was at a girls gathering. They were girls from high school. It was so obvious again why I felt so different; An introspective, introvert among extroverted party girls. I still don't fit it. But, it is ok now.
Oh, I forgot to say, I bet your he weasel is sooo happy!
Hi dear belette
My english is not fluent enought to understand all your post, but if i see the number of comments you receive I just can say that you created a great relationship with your readers.
For me it means you care about them and for that I just wanted to congratulate you.
Have a great Day
Kamel
STYLE AND THE CITY . COM
Paris
Thank gawd you didn't fit in with the mean girls. You wouldn't be the girl you are today if you had.
Methinks there are a lot of pale bloggers out there! I can't remember being teased about my paleness, although all the cool girls at school were tanned. But I am so thankful that the fashion is changing now, it's so much easier to be pale these days.
Nevertheless, I still get out the fake tan and do my legs in summer. I am not sure who I think I'm kidding as I don't do any other exposed part of my body?!
I have never layed out in the sun .Never liked it as a teen.Boy am i happy about that now.I'm 57,my old friends ask how come I never age.WELL!!Remember when you asked me to lay out?Remember,I didn't.I never smoked either.NEVER,NEVER, follow the crowd.You will be better off in the long run.Hugs Marie Antionette
Great piece of writing!
Thank God for Nicole Kidman & her bleached skin & of course, spray on fake tan.
Hell with Madison Avenue. Think of your naturalness as one way of fighting The Man. Rebellion is sexy, too. Take that, Darth Vader!
Julianne: I know that if I went to a non-Christian school I would have NEVER wore a skirt there.
Poor 5th grade you. I hate that you felt the need to hide your smarts. You shine those smarts, gal!!! We all love how smart you are.:-)
I wish I was one of those self-accepting children. I was most certainly not. I wanted to be like them and look like them and I didn't. Now that I am back in SoCal and I see the same aesthetic I do not want to be like them. And, actually the sameness of everyone in my neighborhood makes me very sad.There are more ways to be than with long blond hair, tanned and implanted. Like you I still don't fit in. And, I am glad about it.:-)
Julianne: He-weasel thanks you. Yes, he is thrilled. USC lost; The Beaver's won!!!!
Kamel: Thank you so much. I cannot tell you how much your note means to me. My French is so bad that I dare not try to thank you in French.
Your compliment means so much to me. I really want my blog to be a dialogue and not just me talking on and on. I do care a lot about my readers and I am VERY grateful that they visit my blog and take the time to comment. Thank you for noticing! I love it when they comment and I love your comment.:-)
Thanks so much, Kamel!! Merci et gros bisoux!
xo
ENC: I was in the Mean Girls clique in High School. I escaped by senior year--but I promise I was never mean.
Gervy: I would have guessed that tan was a must-have in Australia. I am happy to hear that you all are smarter about SPF that we were.
LOL@ faux tanned legs and your white everything else.I did try self-tanners I just never mastered them. Orange and white streaked legs were the best I ever could manage.
xo
Marie Antoinette: You look amazing! Young girls everywhere should follow you wise advice of "never,never, never follow the crowd."
Della: Thank you!! And, yes, skin bleaching followed by tanning is the dermatological version of multiple personality disorder.
Randal: Rebellion is sexy! Love it!:-)
it's mee again heehee...
Happy Sunday to you dear...
moi need a huge favor, please help me to congratulate my "contest" winner... trying to make someone feel very special!She is a sweet-sweet girl! her link is provided in my blog.Thanks a million! Hope you have a blessed week ahead dear....
and now, of course, they're all leathery and wrinkled and spending their money on facial peels, botox, etc. the cruelty of kids, yikes.
we, Asians really want to have pale skin. i want to have whiter complexion. i don't want my fair complexion. i hate the Sun either. i envy you. some Americans and Europeans go here (Philippines) and other Asian countries to visit the beach and have their skin tanned. you really never know what people really like, huh. lol.
thanks for the comment. weee. i use a real person, situation when i wrote my poems. for that particular poem, it's really for a friend. but there were fictions in there, too. like in my label "workpiece". =]
tanning is the best way to age.... you are laugh all the way now. : )
Ah,tanning and the un-tannable. I grew up in a western province of Canada, where, duh, the sun barely shines from October to May and yet I too was mocked for being so pale. It was definitely a case of the white calling the white whiter. I have no freckles, and used to pray for them, because they do add colour.
I have 3 sisters; two inherited the darker skin of my parents. One might be even paler than me. My great-grandmother, too, was aboriginal..Plains Cree. Like you, none of that came my way other than hazel/green eyes.
Anyway one sister has been tanning with, yes, baby oil most of her life. She is next oldest to the vampire. One is 51 and one is 49 and the eldest looks about 20 years younger than the 49 year old.
As SUR said, it's so different in Asia. My bil lives in Thailand and when we were there, the lovely friends of my sister in law were all over me, asking how I kept my skin so white. And they truly have the most beautiful peachy skin tone. The number of "whitening products" sold there is truly sad. And they love red hair!
We live on Long Island and I'm always amazed how I can be at almost any function, and I am the only non- blonde, non-tan, non-fake nail women there. Also, blue contact lenses are very popular here. I have never had more bronzer pushed on me than since we lived here. Well, and that of doctors who do lipo. :)
Pale is prettier! Beyond the demon of skin cancer, gorgeous skin of any shade looks younger and tanning makes any skin age far too quickly.
So be white proudly! Show those white legs! Sure, I get snickers from the tanned, but hey! it's worse when I have to wear my face mask in full sunlight. :P
Christine xo
Ok, I admit, I said pale is prettir but in my next life, I'm coming back with darker skin. Hopefully.
In fact I want the ebony skin of my friend Patricia. Stunning.
Autumn:I wonder if it is human nature to not appreciate what we have or if it is in fact an elaborate scheme concocted by cosmetic companies. It is amazing how much time and money is spent on becoming the opposite of what we are. Self-acceptance is so much cheaper!;-)
Fashion Herald: Ain't karma a b*tch?;-) I only wish I could see them today and compare skin.LOL!
Savvy Mode: They laughed then and I laugh now!!;-)
Christine: I have always imagined I would have had a much happier childhood if we had stayed in Seattle where most everyone was as sun-deprived as I was.
LOL@ you praying for freckles. I used to beg---with tears---for my mother to take me a dermatologist to get rid of them. Yes, freckles add colour but they also give the children something else to torment you about.
It really is sad that self-acceptance isn't sold at Sephora. It really is sad to hear about Asians bleaching their skin and young Caucasian girls spending hours in tanning beds.
The fake aesthetic you describe is not pretty to me because it is soooo fake. And call me crazy, but I prefer people to not all look the same. I think that our differences are interesting. I think that might be part of why I am craving NYC.
Pale is pretty and dark is pretty. Fake is not pretty. Sun damage is not pretty. Sun cancer is really not pretty. You know, there should be a warning sticker on all products that encourage tanning, "this product is likely to make you prematurely age like a dried up old bat and it will significantly increase your risk of Cancer."
Christine: I am so with you; in my next life I am hoping to be an Indian goddess with gorgeous dark skin. I think I need to clear some karma for that to happen.;-)
On the plus side, they are likely all wrinkled and having growths removed by now :)
Transfer your experiences to the East Coast and you get me, pasty redheaded girl; same story. I used to get called Casper at the beach. I am sad about the fact that no one in LA /So Cal wears nylons as the "flesh/nude" color gave me a bit of color to my pasty gams...sigh
If it hadn' been your paleness, it would have been something else. I's the age for tormenting the weak(er) really. Trying out power.
By the by - you should really visit Ireland - everyone is our color (mostly). It was oddly soothing.
Hollarback: I think you are so right that if it wasn't the paleness it would have been something else. But there were kids who seemed to fall under the radar.
I wish I could have lived in cold climates where tights were the order of the day. I still prefer tights than not.
I cannot wait to get to Ireland to see all my pale people. I feel sure I will fall in love with it and never want to leave.
Thanks so much for your comment!! Please come back again! :-)
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