Things of no consequence

I am in major debt--- no, not to creditors. My debt is more of the blogging variety. I owe many bloggers memes and I am sorely remiss. I will do my best to answer all the blogs I owe(that is you Randal---for you I am to write a real world curriculum. I will do that just as soon as you write the shoe post you owe me. WendyB---I am to tell you what basic pieces are in my wardrobe. But, as my wardrobe is at present in boxes and in luggage I don't even remember what I own. Shefaly---I owe you a food meme. I promise that as soon as I have a kitchen I will get to it. Deja Pseu---I owe one of you a Haiku post. I fear that last one may never happen as I am more Hai-can't than Haiku. My short term memory is a bit crap at the moment so if you have tagged me and I haven't responded please let me know---I feel certain that with a few trauma free months it will all come back to me.

Today I am responding to the lovely, brilliant and abundantly talented blogger, Jaywalker's, meme tag. Jaywalker has tagged me with the meme of no consequence. I am pleased to say that I have not been tagged with the meme of consequence and I hope never to be---I don't think I could stand the pressure.

But as there are no consequences, here goes nothing:

1. Where was I ten years ago?
Hmm, ten years ago was 1998 and I had been married to my He-weasel for six years and we were living in L.A. and I was in the UCLA creative writing program and I was writing a book that is now sitting in a box in storage in Valencia, that I feel sure that it will never be read by another human being. In the summer of '98 I went to Spain and took a side trip to Morocco. The trip to Morocco was the best non-Paris trip of my life. I love Morocco. I could, if pressed, identify as aMoroccofile. The lamb and prune tagine, the decor filled with a geometry of the soul, the olive markets, the crazy storks in the trees, the mint tea that I could not get enough of, the beaches---and all the brightly coloured tiles that make me swoon. I go ga-ga for gorgeous tiles. J'adore le Moroc!!


2. What is on my to-do list today?

Oh, dear reader, this is going to be deadly boring. Today I am planning on going to the Department of Motor Vehicles and I will stand in line until my legs grow tired and my patience runs thin. Speaking of thin, I have to take my MBT's for a walk and hope they work their magic on my legs. I have to call my mother's country club and talk to a guy in the pro-shop about a pair of shorts that she bought for He-weasel and see if they have them in another size. There will undoubtedly be witty repartee as the guys at the country club are extremely jocular( love that word---it brings to mind the image of funny jocks). I also need to call J Cruel to see if they can redirect my shipment to my soon to be temporary home as I do not want my squirrel bracelet to be stuck all alone out at my mothers. Squirrels should not be left boxed up and unattended---they need fresh air and access to snacks. And, there is the matter of getting a new charger cord for my Palm Pilot. This last bit of info is extremely important to friends who haven't heard from me---I cannot power my Palm and hence I have no contact info for anyone. When and if I actually get to an electronics store I will once again have your phone numbers.

3. What if I was a billionaire?

I adore Jaywalker's answer to this question. She would have lipo and lash implants at a very swank Switzerland hospital and then she would kidnap David Sedaris to be her her friend and amuse her with antidotes and then kidnap Christian Louboutin to keep her in kicking kicks. I would hope that with all my billions I could ingratiate myself to Sedaris and Louboutin in a more legal-friendly manner. I would add Morrisey to my list of kidnapped, I mean financially induced, friends and have him sing to me and take me on tour with him and it would be great. Yes, I am 12 years old.

Like Jaywalker, most of my billions would be spent on making myself as beautiful on the outside as I am in the inside and on conspicuous consumption and then travel--lots and lots of travel. I would also have a team of stylists, makeup artists, and maybe even lighting people who would create perfect lighting for me wherever I went.

I would give large amounts of money to every charity my boyfriend Bill Clinton is on the board of and then I would weasel my way onto the board so I could hang out with him.

Once I have befriended Bill I would then sink major assets into the creation of a research institute that would create calorie free M&M's and Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. I feel sure that Bill would appreciate my act of extreme philanthropy.

Then He-weasel and I would start amassing apartments in Paris as if we were playing Monopoly for the sole reason of having places for all of you to stay when you come to visit us in Paris. That act alone should make us the francophile equivalent of Bill and Melinda Gates.

4. Five places I have lived

Las Vegas For one magical year we lived in the neon city of greed and vice. We lived there for the first year after we became Mrs. Weasel. We used to go to the movies at a casino, play nickle slots and go to the all you can eat buffet at the Palace Station casino because we liked their mini-chocolate eclairs. I went into psychoanalysis in Vegas with an analyst I found in the Las Vegas Yellow pages. I was hit on by Buddy Hackett at the Desert Inn. I applied to UNLV and was admitted. My first and only semester there my classes included ballroom dancing and existential philosophy. I am nothing if not well rounded.

L.A. The place I have called home for most of my life. The place I grew to hate. And, the place I have come home to. If you love 70 degrees, palm trees and lots of traffic---this is your kind of town. L.A. is loaded with memory for me. I am not sure this is where I will live the rest of my life. But it is where we are now and I am surprisingly happy about it. Things I love about L.A. include In and Out Burger, the Pacific Ocean, nail salons on every corner which brings the price of a decent mani/pedi down to a very reasonable $35 (in Chicago I was hard pressed to get a manicure for $35), the Disney Concert hall, the Getty, and the Santa Monica Farmers market where I get tuberoses and Harry's berries.

Chicago I could have and would have spent the rest of my life there and yet it is a place that is a reminder of the life I will never have. It is the town where I imagined I would have children and it is the town that I stopped trying to have them. Never have I felt so at home at a place in all my life. I miss friends, trees, and stuffed pizza from Giordono's. There are things about Chicago I don't miss but I feel too loyal to Chicago to tell you--but the long and brutal winters are one of them.

Austin The place I spent 4 1/2 months and spent less than 24 hours out of doors. If you like queso, heat, tattoos, and college football this is your town.

Seattle I was born there. I left there when I was three years old. I always have believed my life would have been trauma free if we had not left the Emerald city.

5. 3 bad habits

Only three?
Obsessively checking my email
Over thinking
Touching my hair
Making lists instead of taking action. Oh, that is four.

6. Snacks I like

Sliced apples smeared with brie
Tablespoons of peanut butter eaten straight from the jar. I have a preference for creamy but I will eat the chunky if that is all you have in your fridge.
Junior mints. I am particularly fond of them with hot buttered popcorn.
Pepperidge Farms Goldfish crackers
M and M's
The last two I cannot have in my home as moderation of these treats is beyond my ability. How I know I am done is when I have reached the bottom of the box and I feel so sick and fat that wallowing in guilt and shame is the only possible action.

7. Who I am tagging

Sub-urban Ramblings. I am particularly keen to hear about your snacks.
Cybill and Julianne. I feel sure you will have brilliant schemes for what to do with your billions.
Je Ne Regrette Rien and Tessa. I feel sure neither of you have a single bad habit---but do the best you can. If I didn't tag you and you want to play--please join us--the more the merrier in the land of no consequences.