I had planned to tell Igor about you yesterday. I have wanted to tell him. I mean, you are such an important part of my life and it is not like I am embarrassed of you or anything. I do love you. I mean, I must love you or I wouldn't spend so much time with you or think of you so much or share so much of my life with you. But, I couldn't tell him. I am not sure exactly what I am afraid of but I know that I am. So let me try a couple of theories and see what fits. Let me warn you in advance that I am aware that many and most of these are likely irrational.
1. He will think that blogging is silly and because of that he will not take my writing seriously. He will think I am a flibbertigibbet and a dilettante.
2. He will visit the blog and think I am a lousy writer.
3. He will visit the blog and think I am stupid.
4. He will give me some diagnosis that I didn't have before he came to my blog.
5 . He will visit the blog and be mad that I call him Igor.
6. He will visit the blog and know more about me than I have revealed to him.
7. He will tell me to cease and desist writing about him.
8. He will be so angry he will fire me as a client.
9. Knowing he is here I will feel self-conscious and it will change the way I write.
10. He won't come to my blog.
I don't think I am ready to tell him.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Deep and dark confession
Posts
122 comments:
I like to think of your blog as your private (though public) diary. Would you give him your diary to read? Probably not.
You are anonymous on your blog, so there is safety in that for you, and he is also anonymous as he has a pseudonym.
Also - could you keep writing about him and your sessions if he read your blog? Probaby not - and there is much fodder in your sessions for us to enjoy.
Don't tell him - for our sakes!
But you never know - he may be amused by your blog, he may be entranced, he even may be moved by it.
By all means, keep your blog for yourself if you wish to do so. But don't feel like it's a secret from Igor bceause then it could become an elephant in the room. Everyone needs their private things.
Imogen: You make a very good argument for my not telling. You are absolutely right, I would never give him my diary. But the interesting thing is that I give my diary to the world. Yes, I use a pseudonym but one day that will be gone and this blog will be under my real name and then all he will would have to do is google me and then he will find this( not that he would do that).
I don't think I would keep writing about the sessions if I told him. That story vein would dry up and that is a shame because it is something I think a lot about.
Thanks, Imogen. That helped.
Miss Cavendish: Interesting distinction between something private and something secret. No, I wouldn't want an elephant in his office with me as that would be counterproductive and quite frankly there isn't the room for it.
My best friend who was diagnosed with leukemia was told by her doctor that he frequently visited her blog which he stumbled upon (because she wrote her true story and journey in life beautifully - she still writes). She was so taken aback by the knowledge that she was very careful about what she wrote after that. Anyway she got tired trying so she got back to writing like her old self again.
My point is, you never will know what others may think of you until they tell you. And if they do, only YOU know yourself.
Your literary skills will take you very far, Belette.
xoxox
Lynn
Keep your blog for yourself. You are anonymous here, as is Igor, and that allows you freedom to write as you please without worry.
Secret pleasures need not be guilty pleasures.
At the same time, if not telling Igor builds a wall in your relationship with him, then it needs to be broken down. Life is filled with contradiction and dichotomy. Only you know what should be embraced and what should be broken down.
It is an important decision and only you will know how to respond to the, apparently, conflicting desires/needs to deep your cyberdiary private vs public, at least in Igor's eyes. (He's lucky you don't called him Renfield.)
I have a cyberdiary that I not only told my therapists about but I made a carte de visite specifically for my blahg to give to others and encourage them to visit me there.
However, there are a great number of things, events, experiences, and people about whom I do not write.
I try to remind myself from time to time that:
"What you think of me is none of my business."
Bonne chance, whichever way you decide to go--private from Renfield or public. We all know that you will choose that which is in your own best interest over the long haul.
Amitiés,
You will know when it is time to tell him. You will WANT to and NEED to.
Belette, I'm one of those who fall into the category of "don't tell Igor." True, he might not read your blog but I think you will start to edit your writing. I certainly do now that I have family members reading my "private" thoughts. Perhaps when your blog name is printed on the dust jacket of your freshly published book (with a picture - finally!), you can give him a copy of your book. He'll probably be delightfully surprised to see a whole new side of you!
I don't see any reason why you "have" to tell him. Don't - you work out issues through him, then you also work out issues through the blog. Different pressure release valves.
Why do you feel the need to tell him? By the way, this Canadian adores your writing and blog. Hidden in France got me hooked on you!
I don't understand why you can't tell him that you have a blog without directing him to it. If you told him you keep a diary it does not necessarily follow that you would then hand it to him to read.
My blog was , at first, an exercise in learning how to post pictures, etc. I found I liked it! I blogged for a bit and then gave the link to my sisters. After the first time one of them commented, it took me a long time to feel comfortable again in saying EXACTLY what I wanted. I knew they were out there, and it stifled me! My husband doesn't read it.
I try to keep things general, but I admire those who can "let it all fly!"
If you are having doubts about sharing, then perhaps you have answered your own question?
If it helps....My sisters sometimes blurt out things from my blog when I see them to tease me, I suppose. It's a bit embarassing.
I read today that 'therapy sessions are a microcosm of the dramatic process, in which two people are engaged in a contest of wills in an attempt to get to their kernal of truth'. Is this true?
I really do not envy you a descision like this, I frequently itch to tell my family this blog exists, yet I need to keep it private to keep that part of myself alive.
P.S On a lighter note did you know..Morrissey’s new studio album 'Years of Refusal' will be released on 16th February 2009?
If you think that you have to bare your soul to igor completely, then you should tell him about the blog as well. After all, therapy is not worth if you are not totally sincere with your therapist. There's no need to direct him here though, is it? Have a nice weekend. Ciao. Antonella
Wow. I can't believe we are a secret! I mean, I tell people in variety stores about my blog :-) And give them the address.
Of course, your blog is your own personal space. Maybe something you want to keep for your own at the moment.
But I wouldn't fear his judgement of either your work, or your having kept it to yourself. It's his job not to judge you.
When you are ready, you will tell him. Maybe you could tell him and advise that he's not welcome to view it. Call it boundaries :-)
I think the tendency to censor ourselves depending on who we think is reading our blogs is a strong one. Mine is only a tell-all in a certain sense and I remain largely unaware of exactly what I am telling by what I write and don't write.
You're correct that a talented psychiatrist with whom one has a close affiliation would find a treasure of insight into your core beliefs. If you already trust him with the nuggets of gold he's already drawn out why not allow him a few diamonds of insight?
You're not a shallow stream whose depths are easily plumbed. The deeper you go the higher you fly.
You'll know what you need to do. You will decide how crucial it is for your therapy. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready.
Don't! Or if you do, don't give him the name or URL. I would fear all the same things, and those fears alone constitute good reasons to keep the blog to yourself.
I might tell him about the blog, perhaps what it means to you and if you find it cathartic, tell him that, but do not indicate to him how to find it - Worry not about your literary skills, belle Belette, you have no worried there, dear wease...
And, re the 'elephant', I really know v. little about therapy proper but might I ask an honest question of anyone here, because I don't understand, that if I were not being relatively open with a therapist in order to help heal my hurts, could I ever get to the crux of what was troubling me? Big x's
This is a fascinating dilemma, LBR, parallel to what I've been thinking about and getting ready to write about recently -- my students don't know about my blog but I live in some anxiety about what is probably an inevitable discovery -- I've been trying to think about what aspects of that would bother me most and it's a fear of being revealed as absolutely banal! Yikes!
I'm going to slap you upside the head. This is silliness. He is going to visit the blog, get a lot of insight and have new respect for your talent. End of story.
I think that the blog is such an outlet for you--you have the anonymity to protect you and the support and love of all of your readers.
I would hate to think that you would censor yourself if Igor possibly read your words.
Lynn:That is a very helpful story, thank you. I know that when some friends and family found out about my blog I was more careful but like your friend I could not keep that up and went back to being totally honest( it is too hard to do anything else).
Thanks so much, Lynn. I thank you for your very kind compliment.
xo
Mardel: I have never heard anyone say that wonderful piece of wisdom that you imparted that "Secret pleasures need not be guilty pleasures". I assure you that I will be thinking a lot about that. Thank you!
I don't think you should tell him. Don't you feel like you reveal everything in your sessions anyway.
Lovely to meet you yesterday - we are kindred spirits!
La Framéricaine: Hee-hee, Renfield. No, if you knew his real name you would know that Igor is a very good pseudonym.
I would tell all manner of people about my blog. But, Igor is written about on this blog and he doesn't know about it. Lily and He-weasel know I write about them and they don't mind. However, I am related to them and they have no choice and Igor may not be as tolerant as my weasel and my westie.
There are people, events and experiences that don't make it to my blog.
I guess the crux of the issue is my fear that it will change the way he feels about me. I guess I want to him to like and respect me. I feel that he does and I fear that I might lose that if he really knew me as he would if he visited the blog.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.:-)
derfina: I tried to force myself to tell him yesterday and I just couldn't do it. Force rarely works for me.
Tessa:I am leaning towards telling him I have the blog and not telling him the name or address of it. That might be a good middle ground.
At $200 per session I am going to make him pay for my book when and if that time comes.;-)
Do not fret, pet!
I am with Imogen---if you wish to keep this private, do so.
You can still reveal your blogging without showing him this blog (this phrase sounds like some weird metaphor or proverb, but I am being quite literal).
My therapist knows about my blog, he's even printed out some of the pages he's liked. He already knows most of my secrets anyway so I don't think he learns anything new! There has only been one time I have censured myself because I know he reads it and it was quite minor.
I think you should tell Igor you have the blog because it sounds like you were wasting valuable therapy time thinking about it and not working!! Just tell him you aren't comfortable with giving him the address yet.
Marla: I do think that I want him to see me as smart, professional and intellectual. I don't think that part of myself shows as much on my blog. I feel like I am more silly and sassy milassy on my blog( both parts of me are true). Both the blog and the therapy meet different needs and bring out different aspects of myself.
LIBERTY POST EDITOR:I do feel like the blog is a big part of my life and to leave it out is almost like not mentioning my furry daughter.
And, Corinne, thank you for telling this gorgeous blogger about me. Thank you, Liberty, so sweet of you to say!!!:-)
I am late commenting and I think what I would do has been covered by others. Tell him you HAVE a blog, because it is an important part of your life, and he probably needs to know that about you, but do NOT tell him how to find it. He does not need to know that. What should be important for him to know, is what part it plays in your life, and why it is important to you, NOT what is in it.
And your writing is wonderful, You are a real storyteller.
Anonymous: That option honestly did not occur to me. Black or white, all or nothing, that is my style. I think I am going to try the middle ground.
Susand:There are people who read my blog( friends of family) and knowing they read it makes me self-conscious and has made me edit for a while. No more. I do let it fly and I don't want my wings clipped.
I think you are right, my doubt is telling me something. Thanks!!
i think everyone should have a little privacy even from your partner.
Indigo:Something about that take on therapy makes it sound competitive and that both parties know the truth from the beginning the session. That doesn't feel accurate to me.
It is probably best that I tell him I have the blog. But, I do feel that if he just hears I have a blog he will imagine that I only post pictures of Lily and recipes. I fear he will imagine the worst( as is my normal fear).
I didn't know the release date but I have heard the new single. I LOVE it. Also, he is touring. There will be a upcoming post on this. Thank you for the Morrissey update. I LOVE him and I am not afraid to tell Igor about that.
Antonella: This is helpful to hear everyone's take on this. I think I might print out a few posts that mean a lot to me and tell him about the blog but he will not get the url or the name( at least not for now).
Hope you have a lovely weekend too.
K.Line: I tell strangers, hairdressers, etc. But I have not told Igor. I really want him to see me an intellectual and my blog has glimpses of my depth side but it also has a good amount of silliness. This is all part of my father complex( i.s. I want my father to think I am smart).
Hee-hee! Yes, I will do some boundary testing and then I will keep a diligent eye on my statcounter to see if I get a new visitor from Beverly Hills.
Okay, here is from someone with quite a few therapists under her belt. (which doesn't make me an expert otherwise I might have managed to stick to one.) What we hide to our therapists is what we most need to tell them in order to get to the next level. I do feel it is hard to reconcile several personas. but wouldn't it be the most freeing thing to to trust him with ALL of you? Come to think of it, it was easier for me to quit one therapist and go to the next than to break with the current persona. OY!
I think everyone has posted what I was thinking, the "you can tell him you do *it* without showing *it* to him" a school of thought. Kind of the you might tell him you keep a diary without showing him the diary theory.
On another topic, yesterday's Lily video was the best! She is so funny... shirt? What shirt? Non, now I shall pursue the carpet!
Grins & Giggles Miss LBR,
tp
Susan: Really interesting about what we tell by what we don't tell. That is sooooo interesting. You got me thinking.
It is funny that I am afraid of showing him something that means so much to me. I love my blog and the people who read it. I think I am trying to protect my blog and writing by not telling him. But why?
Susan, I so appreciate your thoughtful and thought provoking comment. Thank you!
I think you might consider telling him if you didn't call him Igor. Just a theory. ;-)
I have no opinion either way because I know that I'd keep the blog away, as I do with mine (only a few actually know who I am), thus I'm already biased. Maybe we should all vote on it, just like one of those democracies they have in the movies.
Mrs C: I think the real issues is that I fear his judgment. That is what I have to talk about.
Sal: He will not get the url. Nope. Not telling him that.
A Woman Of No Importance: Really important points. Yes, I do think I will share how it has been cathartic and all it has given me. I think those things are VERY important.
Thank you for that suggestion and for your kind compliment.
I do think that withholding of something that is fundamental to who or what you are is problematic in therapy. Trust and honesty are necessary for insight and change.
xo
You STILL NEED a mysterious side... don't tell him! Keep us SECRET!!!
This one is my favorite one so far!!!
Don't tell him, that's my vote. It's making for the kind of tension every writer needs for juxtaposition.
What you keep from him in session ends up on the blog for us to enjoy (using that team loosely here).
I
If Igor goes through this blog and imagines all what you have imagined then he doesn't know you. It's as simple as that. It's better to be open book than to be stored away in one of them. Keep blogging!
Materfamilias: Banal! Yes, that is definitely a part of my fear. Really, if he learns about my Jcrew addiction and that I on occasion will watch the housewives of Orange County he will forget that I am a person who can quote Kierkegaard and Kant and that he used to think was highly insightful.
I know that I would love knowing that my professor has such a beautiful life. Your blog shows how well rounded you are, how creative you are, what a lovely writer, mother, and knitter you are. Nothing, my friend, about you or your blog are banal.
WendyB:Step one will be to tell him and then to tell him my fears. Step two has yet to be determined.
What about telling him of the existence of this blog, but not the actual blog? I completely agree with you about all the problems of telling him, but it's probably a good idea that he nows.
Oh and now I'm really curious, is he not called Igor or something??
Jen: I would absoultey sensor. I would use all my GRE words and quote Buber a lot. But, I don't do that in therapy. It is funny that I would really need to prove my intelligence if I knew he was reading this. As Buber said:There are three principles in a man's being and life, the principle of thought, the principle of speech, and the principle of action. The origin of all conflict between me and my fellow-men is that I do not say what I mean and I don't do what I say.
I put that quote in just in case Igor is reading this and for no other reason.;-)
So Lovely: I do feel like a reveal almost everything. I do think he would be a bit surprised to learn about the blogging community I am in.
It was so nice to meet you. We are most certainly kindred spirits. Love that!!!
Storialist: That is one of my favorite things to hear or say in response to a conundrum of some sort. Thank you. I will try not to fret.
It is so funny that the option of not giving him the specific info about the blog( how to find it) and still telling him about it.
Cybill:It is great to hear the stories of bloggers whose therapists visit their blog. But, I do write about him and that does up the ante.
Perhaps I could get you to do a guest post in which you tell Igor about my blog. That would be great. I don't want to have to do it, but I will. I am not usually so cowardly. I know I am protecting it and me but for what I am not sure.
justme: That is exactly what I am going to do. I have to say that I am a bit gobsmacked that I couldn't figure that out on my own. It seems pretty obvious middle ground doesn't it?
Thank you for the very kind compliment. Did you hear that Igor, she thinks my writing is wonderful?
Savvy Mode SG: Privacy and personal space are important in every relationship, I think.
Corine: I know you are right, I really do. I don't want to quit Igor so I am going to fess up and see if he will not do to me what I do to myself. Wish me luck.
Don't let the cat out of the bag because then your relationship will be forever changed. Keep it cool Belette!
thepreppyprincess:Lily has definitely begun to pursue the carpet with enormous intensity. I wish we hardwood floors!!!
Don't tell him. I don't think you really want to, and you don't have to. Your blog is something that has brought you great joy, and you don't want to take a change that any remark, body language, or judgement by Igor would dimish that for you.
I say keep it private. There is no need for him to know about this. It is just one part of your writing.
Have a great weekend!
Well, ma belle.... your theories are interesting, because some are the oposite of others like #2 and #10.
I think you shouldn't be afraid of telling him about your blog. I think you could tell him that you blog without telling him the address if you're prepared for him to read it.
I had a period in my life that I had psychology sessons and I couldn't talk to my psychologist, so the way we found was me writing letters to him, where I revealed many things.
So writing is a great way of communication and a psychologist must know it, so I don't think he will think that #1, #2, #3, #5 #7,#8.
#4 could happen, because he might find something new which confirms #6.
I think #9 it's what worries me, because it can happen. Since I know that my co-workers know about my blog that I don't talk too much about my work (but I'm getting used to it and becoming loser)
But I think you could tell him that you blog and than tell your fears.
Well I hope you'll take a decision, "right" or "wrong" in this case doesn't exist and you must quit your mind.
All the best my dear, big hug with much love
Have a great weekend.
xoxo
Randal: He does have an international man of mystery feel(very Omar Shareef).
I'll have to check on Wikipedia but I am pretty sure that weasel society is not run in a democratic fashion. I'll get back to you on that.
Fifi Flowers: You are a lovely secret. I do love you. Don't think just because I don't tell him that I don't.
Donna: Really? I thought it was totally self indulgent and neurotic. See, I can't be trusted to anticipate how people respond. Thank you, Donna!
You make a good point about tension necessary for writing. It is so true. Hmm...
I do find that writing about sessions is very helpful. I am glad it is somewhat entertaining.
I love the Igor posts, so I worry that we will loose them.
Honestly they are a favorite topic of mine to read.
Biju:I think he is capable of seeing that I am multifaceted( at least I hope so).I feel like a very open book here on the blog and an open book at therapy and yet somehow a little of me is left off of each book.
OMYGAWD, what are you thinking???
you must never divulge your blog to your shrink, never never never...mine, who happens to be french AND a woman(a horrible combination for sympathy but anyway) has told me she does not want to see my blog, as if it is some sort of dirty little thing beneath her very sophisticated tastes... keep it to yourself so you are at least free of "that" here....sigh
Pretty face: Yeah, I am 80% resigned to telling him without telling him the name of the blog. But, if I tell him I call him Igor or that I call myself a red weasel then my goose is cooked.
Nope, his name is not Igor. He-weasel couldn't remember Igor's name( it is very unusual) so for a while every time he talked about him He-weasel came up with a new name for him. As soon as I heard him call him Igor I snapped it up for my own. I love it!!! Hee-hee, Igor!LOL!
La Mom:Okay, I am getting confused. I don't know what I am going to do. I have a week to figure it out. You are absolutely right once I tell him I cannot go back. I am a bit scared.
I'm very late to the game here, but I think that you are entitled to fear judgement and rejection, especially from a male figure in an an authoritative position. Your past is probably influencing your feelings to some extent. Still, I will hazard a guess that Igor can process and accept both the "silly" part of you that loves J. Crew with the gal that can quote philosophers.
For all of us who know you only through your writing, we love you and admire the silly and the smart. Igor has the added bonus of knowing you in person. There is no way he would think anything bad about you. He would only admire you more.
With that said, though--you're not ready to tell him. So don't. At least not the URL. But when you are ready, he will appreciate all the nuances you show here. And so will all the other people you share it with (at least the ones who matter).
Another long-winded comment--sorry! Just a long way of saying YOU ARE SO LOVED. Don't doubt it, or the fact that you DESERVE IT.
xo
Kirie
well, ok....I slightly exaggerated that last response....she was glad I was being "creative and reaching out to others" by having a blog BUT NO, NEVER would she ask for the address...it is a question of boundaries....both of our's....and if I thought my shrink was reading my blog, well, I would be always thinking about what I was writing...well, not that I don't but you know....this is just getting more muddled, isn't it...
Julianne: You are right that if he did anything overt or covert to in anyway intimate that the blog was silly, stupid or anything negative( not that he would do that) I would really take it to heart.
Thank you, I really appreciate your feedback.
Hope you have a lovely weekend.
The Seeker: Yeah, I did think of all possibilities except that he would like it or say something positive about it.
I definitely think 9 would happen if he came. I know it would. I do think talking about my feelings about this is more important than him seeing my blog.
Thank you, my dear friend, for your very thoughtful comment. It means a lot to me. I hope you have a great weekend too. Merci and much love and many hugs.xoxo
Dave: I LOVE that Igor is one of your favorite topics. It cracks me up that he has a fan. I think he would love that.:-D Thanks, David!
Linda: Truth be told, I feel SURE he would charge me to read my blog. He has VERY good boundaries and that is one of the reasons I love him.
Is your French shrink a Lacanian? I am fascinated by Lacan and the French really like him. My Igor I am sure has never read a blog. Actually, I have a hard time imagining him online. I don't know where he would go. Even Amazon.com seems too pedestrian for him.
I cannot have him read the blog. I feel sure that one day when my book comes out he will read it and that will lead him to my blog. I can tolerate that eventuality. I cannot handle him reading my blog next week.
Bonjour Belette,
i often read you while visiting common blogging friend Audrey from l'air du temps.
My feeling is disclosing your blog would be like sharing your "jardin secret" which naturally can be risky. At the same time, it is so thrilling to make up one's mind and say : tomorrow, i'll tell him..it's an exciting challenge
i'm quite curious to see what decision you will take...
Kirie:Bingo. That is what it is. I know that it is not Igor my fear but rather my father( even though he is long dead). Once I shared a poem that compared and contrasted my father and my old therapist. In it I talked about my father in his Bruno Magli loafers and I said in the poem that my father would not like my therapist's shoes. The gist of the poem was that my father valued things over the inner life. I shared it with my old therapist and he responded after reading it by saying, "You don't like my shoes?" He so missed the point. I think part of my fear comes from that experience.
I cannot thank you enough for the warm and generous gaze in which you view me and my writing, thank you.
I thank you for each and every word of your comment. It means a lot to me as does your friendship.
Thank you.
xoxo
My Castle in Spain: So lovely to see you here. Thank you for coming by. I thank you so much for your considered comment. Yes, my blog is a "jardin secret" and I treasure it and tend it with great intensity. I worry about him coming in and telling me my garden is full of weeds and chaos.
I will certainly share with you how I proceed with this. It is an interesting and energizing conundrum.
Wow, I really checked and edited the spelling in my comment today. :-)
it would not surprise me at all although I don't know enough about him or his theories excepting she is fanatical about art and it's importance to the work...
she feels "art is sacred" , which seems to match some of lacan's thought...I don't know and am even less sure I want to ask her....boundaries...she would absolutely freak out if I brought this up as it refers to her training, schooling, and I don't even know where she went to med school, she is so boundary oriented....I don't think France but all kinds of interesting theories are churning around...thanks! it's one of those things I keep and then, when she least expects it, spring it on her! ;) I am a delightful patient...
Wow-tons of comments here! I didn't read them so if I repeat sorry. Anyway, NO! do not share every last bit of yourself with him. My husband does not read my blog. I don't want him too and he respects that. I don't read his diary either. He does not blog but the point is we give each other space. And if he won't give you space, or if you doubt him, then don't do it. You need a room of your own dear.
I'm thinking number 8 is the critical one! He doesn't need to know until you don't need him anymore! We need him .
PS I've just got back from working and socialising so 3 glasses of champers might be a factor in my comment!
9. and 10. make a lot of sense to me. good reasons not to tell him.
another reason is that we're not a problem. you go to igor for things you are working on, identifying, clarifying, evaluating, etc. we're perfect. why waste valuable time (rhetorical).
and another reason is that if he told you to stop, you'd have to choose between us and igor, and you want both, so we must remain separate.
opps. I realize now that he is your therapist and not your significant other. I laugh at myself as my face turns red. So I'm new here, sue me!
LBR,
It is a tricky one for sure. I would be inclined to suggest you trust your instincts on this one. The fact that you choose to blog anonymously, and presumably feel a sense of comfort in being able to express yourself openly in this way suggests to me you may not be ready to reveal your blog to Igor.
I don't think you have any obligation to tell anyone. So unless it really matters to you or is somehow relevant to your treatment, I'd be inclined not to tell him for now.
I don't tell anyone about mine, but I don't hide it either. It would take about three seconds for anyone who cared to find me to do so. It's my 'in between' step as I used to blog completely anonymously too.
I don't mean to disregard the value of what you are doing here, but I wonder if it occurred to you that Igor, even if he knew about your blog, would possibly be far too busy to do much more than give it a cursory glance? He must have many clients, and some of them probably have blogs too. I don't imagine he'd have the time or desire to spend hours trawling the archives to read and analyse/judge every word his clients have ever written. (lol- not when there's good money to be made talking face to face, after all)
I've been thinking about you, and this conundrum, on and off all day and my head is spinning after reading all the comments.
As someone who just posted a series about truth myself, I have no suggestions one way or the other, but wanted to say I hear you loud and clear and would feel the same fears and conflicts and I too would imagine all the potential outcomes you identified.
I have no experience with therapy, but I do believe truth is important, especially with those closest to us. Does Igor count as someone in that category?
You made me smile about his reaction to you calling yourself a red weasel. I have to think he would have something to say about that.
I'm guessing he'd be flattered that you talk about him here. And busy as he may be, I wouldn't be surprised if he did read your blog. I think it would give him all matter of 'stuff' about you that he could work with. Maybe that's OK ... maybe it would be positive to bring your life together more and integrate (overused word) these different aspects that are all so important to you.
Cheers, whatever you do and a big hug too.
(I didn't read all 83 comments before mine, so very sorry if it's redundant!) Just telling him about it doesn't mean you'll give him the address, does it? So if it's important that he know you have this nice community and creative outlet, then definitely tell him, but he need not know specifics.
And even if he does know the site, he may not need/want to read it, because he knows all the important stuff you'd tell him anyway.
Don't tell Igor, he's not ready for us. And it may affect the way you write and that would be a shame. Maybe when you go 'public' that will be the right time, but you're not there yet are you?
Take care. x
Btw, there's a sisterhood award for you on my blog.
Oh, and I have found an award which was simply made for you! Find it on my blog :)
I've a little thing for you in my blog.
xoxo
I refer to the blog on rare occasions, but hope that my guy never goes hunting. I haven't made it hard to find. Thankfully, I don't think he'd every look.
P.S. sorry for the repeat, but I've given you the same award as notSupermum. Love ya, sistah!
Linda:Do you do art in your therapy? She may be a Jungian. Art is sacred sounds more Jungian than Lacanian to me.
You certainly are allowed to know her theory and where she went to school. Asking that would certainly not be crossing any boundried. But, you may not have a need to know that and that is fine. If a therapist wasn't willing to talk about their orientation I would be a bit concerned. Now if you want her home phone number or to know who she voted for that is a horse of a different colour.;-)
I am absolutely sure that you are a delightful patient. It must be nice to have a patient with such capacity for self-reflection, creativity, and insight. She is a lucky ducky!:-)
Liberality: Not to fret, no Igor is not my husband he is my shrink. He-weasel is my husband and definitely understands the need for a room of my own( even though we have only a one bedroom place).
He-weasel does get my blog emailed to him but her prefers me to read my posts to him( he likes to hear it in my voice) and I rarely have time to do that. So, I think he probably reads 1 out of 5 posts and that is fine with me.
How great that you and your husband have worked out a way to give each other space. It is so important I think.
Editor: I have been thinking a lot about this, obviously. For now I think I have decided to not tell. As you say, I have no problem with you so why waste time talking about you.
I couldn't quit talking about Igor on my blog. I just couldn't do it. I also couldn't quit seeing him. I think since both of those things are true I will not tell him.
You know about him and he doesn't know about you and for now I think I am fine with that.
Michelle:You are right. My instinct for now is not to tell. I feel like that there there is no reason to tell him except that it is something that means so much to me.
I do tell friends, family, and even acquaintances about my blog. I can think of just a few people who I would absolutely not tell. I do feel like that when I am no longer anonymous it won't change my blog. Maybe I am wrong about that but I hope I am not.
I don't think he would read everything but I do think if he knew I was writing about him he might want to read what I say about him. I might be wrong about that. I am not sure if I would want him to or not. I think I would need to know what I would want to have him do( whether he would do it or not) before I tell him.
Good point :) But do what you feel is best for you. He can give you only more respect for who you are and what you do because your blog is fantastic.
xo Grayburn
Carolyn:My head is spinning too. I sooooo appreciate all of the incredible thoughtful comments.
Therapy is such a strange relationship.I don't think I am close to him or he is to me but at the same time I tell him things that I would never tell anyone else so it is odd that I don't tell him something that is so fundamental to my life.
You're right,I am sure he would have a good laugh about my nom de blog and something to say.
The more I think and write about it and read all the brilliant thoughts I feel more unsure. I think until I am sure about what I want to do I will do nothing
Thank you for adding your thoughts to the conversation and your warm support.:-)
Make Do Style: 8 would be the worst option. Well, it might be worse if he told me that he thinks I am a terrible writer and that I have to stop writing about him. That would be terrible too.
Champagne!! Lucky you. I want your life. :-)
Andromeda:No worries. It is really helpful to hear yours and everyones opinions. I am not usually one of those people who are forever asking "what should I do about x, y, or z?" So it is really nice to have a real issue that I don't know how to resolve and to have so many people generously share their ideas, thoughts, and reactions to it. I have gotten responses that I would have never come to on my own.
I have a double edge sword in that if he didn't come to see the blog I might feel slightly hurt and if he did I would worry how he would react or not react.
notSupermum: LOL!! I love your take on it. I think it would affect the way I write and I don't want that. No, I am not there yet. Thank you!!
And, thank you for the lovely award my sister!!!
Pretty face: Thank you!!! How lovely. Two awards in one day. Merci!!!!
The Seeker: Wow, three in one day! Thank you!!!!
Lisa:If I was your therapist and I knew what a great writer you are I would have a hard time staying away from your blog. I am so glad your therapist has such good boundaries. Really important.
Tessa: I am honored. I feel you my sistah and I thank you!!!!:-D
Grayburn: Thank you so much for your lovely and supportive comment. Very kind of you to say. xo
I wouldn't tell him. I had this same dilemma, and immediately regretted telling my Igor about the blog. It definitely changed what I felt comfortable writing.
I heart: I cannot thank you enough for sharing your experience. It means a lot to me. I am so sorry that it changed it for you because of sharing it. I do hope that wasn't a part of what made you take a break or stop. I do miss your blog so. I really do.xo
No sharesies.
That's my opinion.
I think you should lock yourself into that decision by changing Igor's name to "Patsy" throughout your blog.
Then you *know* you're not gonna tell.
XO
Anna
LOL! La Belette Rouge, we have so much in common in some ways it is scary! I'm just not going to say much more than that, LOL!
Okay, here it is... I have an "Igor", too! He says I'm like the girl from "like water for chocolate" only because I tat a lot to deal with emotional pain and in the movie she knit a very LONG scarf, LOL! This was before I told him about the blog...yes, He knows about the blog now... LOL! I have no idea if he has looked or even cares to look, but your list of fears are/were mine. Now, I just don't care anymore. LOL! I am no help to you. I've known my "Igor" for longer, though. There it is!!! Shhhhh...don't tell anyone! That's just between you and me!
You can just delete this comment if you want and let it be "our little secret", LOL!
Anna Lefler: I think my secret is safe.
I think Eugenie or Eleanor might more permanently cement my silence.
xo
TattingChic: I LOVE how you moved from stealth to openness in the course of two comments. I am delighted to know that the tatting gives you comfort.
Hee-hee!! I will not delete your comment I will leave that up to you to decide. Thank you for sharing what you and I share.:-)
this is very private and can make one feel very vulnerable in the presence of others. It's your journal, if he never reads it then so what? You're giving all that he needs. He doesn't have to have all of you if you don't want him to
you've been tagged,and i hope you will play along.
http://thoughts4pennies.blogspot.com/2009/02/monday-morning-madnesssort-of.html
Bernthis: I do find it very ironic that the writing that I share with the world seems a little to vulnerable to share with the guy I pay to listen to my most vulnerable material. I find the irony of it so interesting. But, I am willing to live the irony. I don't need to tell him. Nope, he doesn't get all of me and yet I somehow think even without him reading this he gets more of me than I could imagine.
Penny:Thanks so much for the tag!!!:-)
Don't tell Igor... I shared with my (short-term, I already stopped going to him, cuz he pretty much told me I'm normal) psych, that I started reading blogs and that I enjoyed the stories about their lives (that they were brave enough to share with total strangers) and he blurted out "Oh, WHY do they DO that??!!" I suspect Igor may not be supportive.....
But I will tell you that reading (and now just barely starting to write) blogs has been quite theraputic and I am realizing that I AM normal....!
Visiting here form Utah Savage, Lisa and many others...and wanted to know what "belette" is... Je ne sais pas ques que se "belette...." Oh my, it's been a long time!!
Hmm. Therapists aren't supposed to judge us. They are there to listen and guide us. Unfortunately, therapists are only human.
"Citizen of the Month" apparently gave his therapist his blog address. Maybe you could ask him how it affected his blogging?...
Giggles: Lovely to meet you. I am so glad that your curiosity about what a belette is brought you over.Tu connais la belette ? I am a red weasel, well at least I am on the blogosphere.
It was so helpful to write about this and to get everyones take on it. I am more sure than I was before that I will not be sharing it. Perhaps in time when I can handle whatever he has to say about it. For now I could not so I won't.
Thanks again for coming by. I I hope you do again and I look forward to discovering your blog.
Mrs.C: I do think that my beloved Igor is a bit of an intellectual snob and that is one of the reasons I love him, that and he is so unbelievably smart about weaseling out what is really going on.
Ooh, I hope Citizen of the Month writes about his therapist's reaction to his blog. I would LOVE to read about that. Thanks, Mrs.C!!
He wrote about it last year. Google his blog name and email him. He's very very social.
all good reasons to not tell! i always think it's good to keep a little something to yourself, that's all your own, although i doubt an analyst would agree?
Interesting... I posted my comment to you before I read everyone else's... then I went back to see general concensus.... Pretty overwhelming, I'd say....
No je ne connias le belette rouge.... seulement, toi ... high school french.... it's been...well...um...40 years.... yipes!
I took high school trips to both Quebec and Paris w/ the french classes...never been back yet...but do fancy setting up an ex-pat life once all familial obligations are finished.... that or Santorini Greece...recently went there having NO idea what to expect and it was gorgeous there.... probably too hot for me though....south of France would do nicely, je pense.... must study up on the french though.....
Hi there LBR,
I just read through a lot of comments and I'm with Andromeda... If you feel the need to say something.. you don't have to give the URL.. or name.. If you just want to let him know you have a creative outlet... He may not want to read it because maybe he would feel it's like your private diary.. esp. if you don't offer him the website... Maybe you want to tell him about it because you DO want to share it with him??? I don't know the answer... Maybe you want to invite him in as you have us... But, I think that if it will make you think twice about what you will write.. I would say then don't tell him.. because you don't want to have to censor your self on his account, non?
We all LOVE your blog and wouldn't want to see you change as a result... Okay.. so that's my deux centimes!!
Another thing... it's sooo great to see how much response you got back on this... I noticed a lot of Paris/France/French bloggers.. That is sooo cool that we are in this petit monde dans le blogosphere!! It's a small world, aprés tout!!
Take care... Leesa
Mrs.C; Thanks for that. I will look at his old posts.
Fashion herald: I saw him yesterday and instead of feeling like I as hiding something I felt as if I was holding onto something for myself. Nice shift there. Thank you.
Giggles: Wow! You read everyone else's comment? Very sweet of you. I decided that until I am sure I want to tell him I won't. I don't want the blog altered for his sake and it would be even if I didn't tell him how to get here. I think I would read something into his reaction or lack of reaction and that could affect how I write.
My French is horrible and someday I hope to get serious about it. Like you I have the expat dream. I hope some day to be in France at least for a year. My He-weasel's family is Greek and we have never been. He has family in Crete and Samos. We have to get there soon.
Again, so nice to meet you and thank you for your thoughtful comments.:-)
Hi Leesa: It is a bit silly ( but I supose we are allowed a bit of silly) but I worry what he would imagine if I told him I blogged and didn't show it to him. I fear he would imagine the worst.
I think I would self censor if he had my url and maybe if he just knew about it and didn't. So, Igor does not get to know.
Thank you, Leesa, for the kind compliment and thoughtful consideration of my dilemma.
I am amazed by the incredible response I got the post and all of the really wonderful responses I got. It really made me think. I don't think if I had thought this out on my own I would be feeling as happy with my decision not to tell as I do.
Thanks again!! :-)
Of the blogs I've found so far, I usually read the post as well as the comments... There are typically morsels of wisdom to be snacked upon....
Although, maybe that's my problem.... there is so much to read, and so little time! Maybe I should read the post only?!
No.... then I don't get to know anyone else...and there are so many interesting, witty and wise people, it seems to me in this blogoshere.... I'm getting sucked in deeper and deeper...a new (harmless?!) addiction?!
Hey! Thanks for joining my "following!" The pressure keeps building!!
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