Igor the Freudian comic: "Is that an Oedipal Complex in your pocket or are you just projecting on to me?"

If you had your ear against the wall during my session with Igor yesterday you would never guess that we were talking about panic attacks, a canceled trip to Paris, and severe childhood wounding. Why? Well, we were laughing our asses off. I never thought topics that required Vitamin A could make me laugh so much especially when I have a strep throat, an ear infection and a headache(good times!). But, there was much hilarity I assure you. I haven't laughed that hard without being advised to tip your waitress and reminded of the two drink minimum.

When he asked me how the traffic was, his standard opening line, and I told him that I didn't know because He-weasel had brought me he responded, "And, what, I don't get to meet He-weasel?" he said in a deeply disappointed tone.
"Well, Lily is with him and I didn't know if it would be okay to bring her up." I explained.
"As long as she didn't pee and crap everywhere....ah, what the hell a little pee wouldn't be the end of the world."

I explained to Igor that He-weasel brought me because I was sick and because I wanted to come anyways because I have been pretty anxious and I thought I needed to see him.
When I told Igor about the anxiety he asked "why didn't you call me?"
I answered sincerely and sarcastically, "What the hell could of you done?"
"Well, you won't know until you call me. Will you?"
"Why, you have something in your bag of tricks for anxiety?" I asked laughingly.
"Why, yes, yes I do." Really if you could see Igor in his black turtleneck sweater and his well tailored black wool trousers and his Omar Sharif look a like thing going on and seeing him admit to having a bag of tricks you would have laughed too.
"Okay, so next time I'll call you."

He asked me to tell him about the anxiety and I told him that I used to feel like a bowl with a few holes in it and lately I feel like a colander.
"A what-ender?" he asked totally perplexed.
"A colander? I repeated more slowly and loudly annunciating as if he was reading my lips.
"What's that?" he asked.
"You know, the thing you put pasta or fruit in and you can pour water in and it will drain out the water." Sometimes it is very clear that Igor's first language is not English.
"Oh, a colander."

I told him all the things I have been writing in the novel and how because of it I became aware of all that happened in such a short time and that when I became aware the feelings felt all too much and how it felt as if there were too many holes in my bowl and that is when the anxiety started and I felt flooded and fragmented.

I also told him about the planning for Paris anxiety and he agreed I should not go to Paris. He said that rather than a smaller and closer trip he advises a trip as grand and as long in another country than France. He says Paris has too many associations and that he doesn't think smaller and closer would break the spell of "bad things happen when I make a choice." He asked me how that sounded and I said it didn't sound so good. "Where would you want to go?" I thought seriously about his question but I struggled for an answer. It felt like being asked other than food what would you like to eat for dinner?Huh? When I think of vacation I think of France. Is he trying to say that I might go somewhere other than Paris for a real vacation?

There are other things that Igor said in our 50 minutes that made me laugh and some other things that made me reconsider my whole psychology and yet I find that I am reluctant to talk about them here today. Why? Hmmm.....I suppose part of it is that I am sick and have a low fever and feel a bit spacey and ungrounded and the Nyquil is making me feel unsure if I want to talk about those core issues before I have processed them for myself. But, what I can tell you is that my session yesterday with Igor gave me hope and doubt. I doubt the validity of what the anxiety is saying about me and I have some hope that this will all end soon and very soon I will be able to book trips to Paris without needing to use anti-anxiety meds and a brown paper bag.

Picture is an up close shot of a colander comes from here and as I look at it I am starting to wonder if there isn't some beauty to my holes.