Bird comes for therapy

Yesterday( well actually today but I will post this Friday) when I saw Igor he started as he always does by asking how I have been feeling and the truth is that last Friday I felt like crap and so I told him.

I felt like crap because I got an email from a person who for years took advantage of my complex. Which complex is that? The complex in which I set myself up to serve as a life support system for a friend in crisis and where I am totally there for them and try to support them and then I feel depleted and discover that it was not a friendship.

This "friend" who emailed me on Friday had many years ago learned of my talent for interpreting dreams that comes from doing ten years of Jungian analysis and this friend didn't want to do her own work and go into therapy so nearly every morning at 7:30 a.m. she would call me and tell me her dreams and then as soon as she told me all about her dreams she would come up with an excuse to hang up. There was never time for me but always enough time for her dreams. Later in the day she would call to see what thoughts I had about her dreams. I would share my thoughts and once my interpretation was complete my friend would have another call come in or someone was at the door or her dog needed to be let outside.

For years I allowed this to happen even though I started to feel a growing resentment and dread when she called. He-weasel called this almost daily ritual "Dream dry cleaning drop off. In by 8, dreams fluffed and folded by 4." This went on for years until one day during a particularly difficult IVF cycle I told my "friend" that I couldn't do this for a while as I was going through a lot. My friend was outraged. Her outrage in turn outraged me and I ended the friendship.

That ending was over two years ago. So on Friday I heard from her for the very first time in two years. In her email she told me she is in crisis and that she is dreaming and that I am so good at getting her dreams and would I help her with her with them---and she did not bother to ask how I am or if we managed to get pregnant. The outrage returned as well as an awareness about a kind of pattern of friendship I seem to be in.

I had four different possible responses to her email request:
1. I could agree with her request.
2. I could write an email detailing why I ended the friendship and why I did not want to start it again.
3. I could write an email telling her that I am sorry and that I hope she gets into therapy to get some support during this difficult time.
4. I could ignore the email.

I shared my four responses with Igor and he came up with a fifth: "Tell her she can be your friend for the next two years and listen to you talk about your life and then after that time you can be there for her."
"Yeah" I responded, "that would go over well."

After he made his witty suggestion I looked to his window and saw a gorgeous sparrow with a red head sitting on his open window sill who seemed to be eavesdropping on my options. I told him what I saw. Igor responded,"They come a lot. Even pigeons fly up here." Igor's office is on the fourth-floor in the middle of a very busy part of Beverly Hills. Something about the bird's presence and that they were regular visitors made him seem one part Dr. Doolittle and one part St. Francis of Assisi.

"Do you encourage this? I asked hopefully.
"I don't discourage it." he offered in a non-committing tone.
"Do you feed them?" Knowing that if it was me there would be feeders and a water tray and some Googling on what the best bird food is for birds in this region
"No" he quickly answered and then changed his mind, "Yes, I feed them spiritual food" he laughed.
"Nice deal. And, they don't have to pay and they can fly away if they don't like what you say."

I thought I was talking about the birds but instead I was talking about the kind of friendships I often have. Girlfriends in crisis who need support and fly in and out when they need help and then leave and come back for more support. This is a pattern for me. And, I am not a victim in this. I put out the food, water and a sign on the window that says "I will be here for you whenever you need me and feel free to shit on me. I will clean it up."

Igor had some thoughts on why I might do this. He says that my being there for friends in crisis is me trying to show my mother how to listen and how to be there for me only she is never there to see it. He joked, "It's too bad that you don't have the hours and hours of being there for friends on tape so you could send it to your mother so she could learn how to listen to you and be there for you." Laughter ensued and I corrected, "She wouldn't listen to them unless we were talking about her." Igor agreed.

My showing my mother how to listen to me has been attempted with many "friends. " Friends who I was there for long past when I felt comfortable doing so. Friends I offered everything that I wanted from my mother: comfort, encouragement, support, a welcoming guest bedroom, baked goods and hours and hours and hours on the phone listening ( and I hate the phone). Now that I get why I have had this pattern I am no longer doing it. I quit. I cannot get what I need by giving to those who can't give back.

Here is a sixth possible response to the e-mail request:

Dear Bird Friend,
I am sorry. I know I have long had my window open to you but I am closing it and keeping it shut. Friendship is not one sided and I am not and cannot be your therapist. I wish you every good thing. Now, fly away.