Gone in zero seconds or the definitive prenatal vitamin FAQ

Statcounter is not my friend. Really, I think Statcounter lies to me and hates me and wishes me ill. I do understand that Statcounter is not a living and breathing entity capable of conniving and maliciousness and yet I am unsure that Statcounter hasn't been programmed to create inaccurate readings in order to torment those silly enough to obsessively check their stats.

According to Statcounter the bulk of my visitors spend zero seconds on my blog. I just find it hard to believe that everyday hundreds of people get to my blog and in zero seconds they are immediately so put off my my blog that they don't stay for even a second. It couldn't be something I said as I can't say much in a second. I can't even say hello in a second. And, really, even if you are a speed reader it is unlikely you could get through one of my posts in less than 15 seconds. As I can't say much in 250 words and that, according to many, is the perfect length for a blog post, it might even take you 25 seconds to figure out you don't want to spend even one second on my blog.

Maybe it is my blogs looks that put you off, zero reader? Is is the dame on the couch on my header? Are you afraid that I am a narcoleptic? Do you have an unnatural aversion to Freudian couches? Or did you see the name Belette Rouge and imagine I would be a French can-can dancer from Pig Alley keeping a diary of my shocking exploits on and off the stage and once you arrived you could immediately tell that I was instead a whining American woman who can not-not dance.

The second variety of reader I have most frequently, according to Statcounter, is the kind of reader that upon arriving stays a heroic and highly admirable 23 hours and 14 minutes and 8 seconds. You marathon readers are my favorite kind. I like you much better than the zero second readers. Yes, I understand that likely that means you fell asleep when reading my blog or didn't turn your computer off once done reading my posts but it still feels good to see the number even if it doesn't indicate actual reading time.

Statcounter, I believe is an all or nothing kind of counter. Only black or white. Zero or 19 hours 52 minutes and three seconds. Statcounter do you have an aversion to the middle ground? Have you heard of grey? There has to be a few more readers that stay for seven minutes and 19 seconds. I know your there. I just know it. I can feel you.

Perhaps, Zero reader, you are one of the hundreds of readers hoping that my blog is all about prenatal vitamins. Sadly, it is not. If it was I might be as popular as Dooce or I Can Has Cheezburger. I get at least 20 hits a day in which people are looking for answers about prenatal vitamins. So let me answer all your questions here and now in this completely unreasoned and scientifically inaccurate prenatal FAQ in my lame attempt to reduce my bounce rate.

1. "If I don't take prenatal vitamins will something bad happen?"
Maybe. Can you clarify when you say "something"?

2. "My boyfriend took prenatal vitamins, what will happen?"
He will grow a uterus and ovaries and will start talking to you about shoes and makeup and asking you if he looks fat.

3."I didn't take prenatal vitamins until the eighth month. Is that bad?"
Yes. And to you who asked about months 4,5,6,7, and 9, the same answer applies. Take the damn vitamins. Watch out, bitter is coming: I took shots in the ass three and four times a day in order to get pregnant and I did this for years and I never got pregnant. You are pregnant and you can't take a stinking vitamin. I need a drink. Make that a double.

4. "I took a prenatal vitamin and a birth control pill. Does that mean I will get pregnant?"
That question is just like asking "If I drink a diet coke with a cheeseburger will I get skinny?".

5. "Will prenatal vitamins makes(sic) my breasts bigger?"
No. Plastic surgery will. Being pregnant will. Taking a little folic acid and less vitamin A has no measurable impact on mammary tissue development. I suppose you could fill your bra with prenatal vitamins and that might increase the size.

6. "I am ( pick one: depressed, anxious, tired, sneezing, dreaming, not dreaming, craving pickles, anorgasmic, orgasmic, or hate my husband) is it the prenatal vitamin's fault?"
No.

7. "Will I get pregnant if I take prenatal vitamins?"
I have answered this question before but you left in one second and couldn't read my answer in previous posts, no, prenatal vitamins will not get you pregnant.

Now that I have written this FAQ I am hoping that some of you, zero readers, will stick around long enough to realize that it takes much longer than zero seconds to realize that you are not where you want to be.

If you really want to know about prenatal vitamins go here.