Vexiologist should mean a person who studies annoyances, not flags

We live within walking distance of Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park, or as I like to call it, as a way to tolerate the intolerable, "Thomas Mann's Magic Mountain". I have never been to Magic Mountain and will likely never go unless they open a "Death in Venice canal ride" or a "It's a small sanatorium after all allegorical log ride of awareness that we are all dying and aging and there is nothing we can do about it", no matter how many coupons for $20 off they send me. Six Flags is filled with roller coasters and rides that people pay money in order to experience fear, terror and a sense of aliveness that only can come when facing death. I don't need to ride the Colossus to feel existential dread. I can do it all from the discomfort of our 750 square foot apartment.

The apartment building we live in has at least six flags around its large grounds. While I am no vexiologist or marketing guru it is my hunch that these flags are intended to be archetypal and evocative and make you want to live here. There is a word on each flag and an image intended to illustrate and infer that this experience can actually be achieved in this building and the cumulative narrative of the flags is meant to imply that all your dreams can come true in, what D.H. Lawrence might call, a"domestic Eden."

These are the kind of flags that surround my "domestic Eden"( only slightly exaggerated for your reading pleasure and to make my point):

Dine A perfect couple, or as I like to call them, Adam and Eve, sit in front of a haute cuisine plate. Eve has lifted a fork to Adam's waiting mouth. What, no apple?
Shop Bags from high end shops fill the flag. Fig leafs, after all, do not grow on trees.
Rest Eve lounges on a beach chair soaking up the sun by the Edenic pool and adjoining jacuzzi as she struggles with the philosophical weight of good and evil.
Live Adam and Eve enjoy the gym, making their bodies even more tempting.
Love A&E embrace shamelessly. As it's not like anyone is watching.
Entertain A&E and their friends enjoy the lobby/rec center as they laugh, dine and drink apple martinis.
Walk A&E walk the streets, hand in hand, enjoying the cool of the gardens that surround the gated and secure Eden, which is tended weekly by exterminators so as no pests, vermin or snakes will intrude on their romantic strolls.
Restore Eve strikes a yoga pose in attempt to awaken her inner yogic serpent and/or lower her percentage of body fat.

Very often these flags are knocked over. They must not be anchored well. Every time I see one on its side I laugh. It seems symbolically appropriate that the messages on the flags aren't true or real and because of that they will not stand and have been expelled from the earth. I have some suggestions for new archetypal words and images to place on the flags that might be more appropriate and might stay upright as they, in my mind, feel more accurate for what to me is an anti-Eden.

Here are my flag suggestions:

Isolation A man and woman trapped in a tiny apartment, as if in a prison, desperate to escape.
Ennui A woman surrendered to her feelings of melancholy on a fainting couch grasping a bottle of Vitamin W in one hand and a volume of Kierkegaard in the other.
Corporate consumerism Forever 21, Macy's, Gap, and all the usual suspects that fill every mall in America have crammed their logos on the flag. False gods offering golden cows that crumble more easily than Mrs. Field's cookies and that cannot be returned without a receipt.
Debt Bills pour out of a tiny mailbox, refreshed each day like Manna from Heaven.
Indifference Faceless neighbors walk by each other purposefully avoiding eye contact.
Theft A distraught woman makes a police report. Her order from Neiman Marcus was stolen by her neighbors.
Greed Property owner who looks like a character out of a Charles Dickens morality tale laughs smugly as he pockets overpriced rent checks.
Sloth A man and woman too tired from the demands of everyday life to take the elevator all the way down to the gym sit instead on their Crate and Barrel couch and channel surf.
Despair Dehumanized individual in "The Scream" position looks out at an unfettered view of a sea of retail where the sun never sets and the stores never close from the comfort of his spacious 5x5 patio.

Now I get that my flags would not attract many new tenants so why not go all the way and drop the subtlety and go straight for the subtext of the flags intended to attract residents.

How about these flags? No image required. The text says it all.

If you live here you will have lots of sex.
If you live here you will be wildly successful and rich.
If you live here you will be better than everyone else.
If you live here you will be beautiful and thin and will never age or die.
If you live here all your relationships will be perfect.
If you live here nothing bad will ever happen to you.
If you live here all your dreams will come true.

And, really, if they could offer all that they could easily triple the rent.